R&R Day

Today is an R&R day. You know (or at least imagine), PJs until late morn, coffee, do the Soduku together and get going when we feel like it. Refresh, refuel and spend close time with your partner. I love days like this more than ever with Jacki. Many people do not have the option of this rejuvenating luxury, so we value and appreciate it all the more.

My left brain takes data from the past, analyzes it and then dissects it and the reconstructs trying to predict the future. Not much space for here and now, which is all we really have. There is the time frame my right brain gets to enjoy - taking in sensory info continually just playing, creating, imagining and loving. There are the moments of pure connection with you and with the God of my attempt to understand. This is where we are all one and at peace with each other.

I hope to be an active participant in healing me in part by leaning into my right brain and enjoying life with Jacki, Kate, family and the community of humans around whom I get to live.

A man died and went to heaven, saying, "Wow, there really is a heaven!" He saw a pearly looking gate, "Wow, there really is a pearly gate!" He knocks on the gate, it swings open to reveal a very old man. Dead guy asks, "Who are you?" And the old guy says, "Well, I am St Pete, and it's my job to show you around." "Wow, there really is a St Pete!"

So, he gets the tour, seeing cloud nine, touches the angels feathers and sees his pad for if he gets to stay. The guy asks, "Well, now what?" St Pete says, "Now you go stand in line for your interview with God to see if you get to stay here." "Oh no"says the guy,"I hate lines." "Do not worry, says" Pete, it's a fast moving line."

The guy gets to the front of the line and God asks, "Well my son, did you enjoy yourself down there?" The guy answers, "Uh Um ummm, what do you mean God?" "My son, I gave you everything you need to enjoy yourself while there, so did you enjoy or not?" The guy stammers, "Well, not really God." So God, quite chagrined, says, "Well then, you can just go to hell!"
Bill

No sage here . . .

I ain't no sage. Whatever I have written, at least the good stuff, I learned in the 12 step program that I have lived since Jan 7, 1994. With my sponsor (guy with more experience than me) I work the steps and they have changed me from the inside out. This path is a spiritual path leading to an integrated relationship with my God and solid connections with my fellow human beings. This program has turned me from near completely self centered (thinking about me) to more selfless (thinking of others). Much of the stuff I have written on this blog is ideas and thoughts and principles I have learned in recovery and practiced in my relationships with wife, daughter, friends, colleagues and my family. After 15 years, some of it is internalized enough to be my primary way of thinking, acting and measuring my own growth. Too often I still try to use it to measure your growth and that does not work so well.

My daughter Kate wrote a comment this morning that deeply touched me, made me cry and made me proud for her. She is a young woman I admire. And she is the one who accused me of being sage like (thanks Kate, I love you too).

It seems the past 3 or 4 days have been calm, maybe before the storm of Chemo or maybe calm before a smaller change. A fellow cancer patient encourages me to call chemo my friend. It is on my side and will try so very hard to help. I have the weekend and Monday and whatever days before chemo starts to enjoy feeling quite well. A few tasks such as official paperwork that is responsible to get done. My friend Caroline has urged me to get that completed - TYVM!

The chemo I feel some trepidation about, because it's effects on me and on cancer are short of being predictable. Because the doc closer to home who will administer the chemo must review my files and radiology film, the start of chemo might be delayed a little bit, but he said probably on Tuesday.

Thank you so much for standing by me, encouraging me, bringing me home made tomato basil soup, brownies, and pulling weeds from amongst my flowers. Mostly thank you for your prayers and your love!
Bill

Leaking angry

Most every day I have gone through feeling angry at the big C. Sometimes it is directed at God or at me or at whatever, I just feel angry in those moments/minutes/hours. The C is trying to take something very dear to me away from me, and it ticks me off major Big Time! I now also understand that it is not only me who feels some anger, but many who care about me do as well. Look inside yourself and find that emotion, whether directed at God or C or at me, I am guessing it is there. Cancer is threatening to take me away from you, and feeling angry is one thing we humans do when that happens.

In early recovery I heard one of my favorite speakers say, "Whatever gets stuffed down and in instead of up and out, still comes out. Sideways! In the form of bizarre behavior." I am sure he did not invent that one, but it must have struck him with truth just as it did me. If I stuff scared or sad or anger, that emotion evolves into something ugly and toxic and will do harm when it leaks out.

Whether turning into depression, a verbal lashing at someone else, or getting loaded, trying to keep a lid on what I feel just simply does not result in love. It results in resentment, rage, stress, depression, high blood pressure, overeating, etc, etc. I must let it out, but in ways that do not harm me or others. Talking, writing, exercising, praying, and talking some more all help me to stand with love. I must recognize an emotion for what it is and know that it is okay to feel.

I snapped at Jacki yesterday - spoke with harsh tone and instantly saw that fleeting look of pain. I stuffed just a little yesterday and it leaked in the bizarre behavior of hurting the woman of my dreams. Because I fall short of perfection, that may well happen again in some small way. But my emotions are a gift from God and with practice I am better at expressing them sooner rather than later in ways that do not harm me nor others. God help me and God help you!
Bill

Distractions

Best I have felt physically since the biopsy operation. Not even a nap, just horizontal for awhile couple times. Amazing how a simple written to do list can help focus. Maybe you know Jacki's computer took a dive last week, and with some help I spent 5 hours fixing it today. Longest I have been productive in one day for what seems a really long time. Her machine seems to be pretty good too.

That effort distracted me from my action items, but it felt good to get Jacki's computer going again (and get her off my 'puter). Still, managed to do okay on my list:

1. Exercise - one 20 minute walk scores 5.
2. relax/meditate - Focused briefly on breath/relaxation a few times 5
3. Pray harder: a few times, not concerted effort. Score 6
4. Actively relate to loved ones - medium effort score 7
5. Be of service - this I did well again today - score 8.

By writing this, I am at least beginning to remember all 5 action items on the list and that helps remind me to actually do them. Doing them seems to have some impact on flattening the emotional roller coaster ride. Probably start chemo next week, which will have an unknown impact on the feel goods of this week. Some people have big side effects and some have minimal. Let's be hopeful for the latter, but either way, I can act like an exceptional patient doing all I can to cooperate with healing.
Bill

Action Healing

Okay, yesterday I wrote about maybe I am turning a corner in my mind toward being an exceptional patient doing all I can to cooperate with healing. Here are the daily action items that I can do to be that healing human being:

1. exercise some every day, even just a short walk.
2. Practice relaxing and meditating and visualizing a few minutes twice a day.
3. Pray harder, even when I feel disconnected - "fake it 'til I make it."
4. Actively relate to my wife daughter friends and family.
5. Reach out and be of some small service.

How did I do today? It's my list, my healing inventory, so I get to score it as I wish. Let's see, 5 items, each with a possible best of 10, so 50 perfect score. First off, I am not perfect, and neither am I flunking out. So, here goes:
1. Exercise - I did walk outside for a few minutes score 4
2. relax/meditate - I say I did so 1 1/12 times. Could not fully the 2nd try. score 7
3. Pray harder: a few times, not concerted effort. Score 6
4. Actively relate to loved ones - medium effort score 6
5. Be of service - this I did well today - score 8.

So, add 'em up and divide by 5 for average score; 32 out of 50 = 64%. I am passing with a D. I can do better tomorrow. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

I am moving my chemo to a doctor close to home, a suggestion from my Mayo doc 20 miles from here. The new one is near Desert Banner, 3 miles away.
Bill

Action Program

A sponsee once called his crusty old timer sponsor at 11 o'clock at night. Old codger finally answered and the sponsee asked, "Sponsor, what is love?" With no hesitation and a certain needed gruffness, sponsor said, "Same thing at 11 in the morning as it is at 11 at night, ACTION!!!" and hung up.

The program of recovery I live is one of action as I believe is any loving spiritual path. Walk the walk. Faith without works . . . We all say I love you but have difficulty taking actions that back up the words. I have been saying I want to beat this thing, delay, stretch out the time, live life to the fullest. Today may have been a turning point in acting like I want to live my life rather than die my life.

Maybe I am too concrete, but I do best with a short set of simple and specific actions:
1. exercise some every day, even just a short walk.
2. Practice relaxing and meditating and visualizing a few minutes twice a day.
3. Pray harder, even when I feel disconnected - "fake it 'til I make it."
4. Actively relate to my wife daughter friends and family.
5. Reach out and be of some small service.

All of those positive actions have a beneficial impact on my body, mind emotions and spirit. Those benefits are contagious just like a smile. Biggest benefit right now is to help turn my psyche from dark to light, from despair to hope, from doubt to belief that I can be an exceptional patient doing all I can to cooperate with healing.

When you call or write, please ask about my action that day. I ask you to love me enough to pull my covers and help me be accountable for my part in my healing. Otherwise, for too many moments each day I am rationalizing and justifying too much nonsense between my ears. Thanks!
Bill

Pendulum Swings

Okay, so Thursday I near completely immersed myself in fear, self centeredness and self pity. Woe is me, I have it so rough. I made nor answered very few calls and about 82.4% isolated most of the day. Tears came probably 47 times, maybe more than in the past 50 years total. I do acknowledge that a down day like that is just a part of the picture, and I think I just needed a break to just be with me and see what's here.

Friday went the other way. There was a song many years ago - went something like "England swings like a pendulum do". I am rewriting it to "emotions swing like a pendulum . . . " I got up, put on the happy (at least stoic) face and went to two meetings. On the phone enough to balance the day before. Truth is, I still would not trade places with most of the people on the face of our planet.

However, I am so tired of carrying this unfamiliar weight. I do not know it well enough to see how to begin letting it go. Of course stuffing it, denying it, and pretending it is not there do not work either. The weight is here, the pain is here, the sadness is here. Have not seen anger in a couple days.

Every little ache and pain that comes with being 57, is now reason to wonder, "Is that from the cancer?" The biopsy surgery has mostly healed, but some soreness remains and it still hurts to cough. Went to see Cavalia today, sitting for 3 1/2 hours. Muscle near the incision tightened up like a knot. Couldn't even go eat King Crab after with Jacki's family and Kate. Weird little things like that muscle and easily tired. I guess the lung is still healing.

Have I told you how much your calls and emails and letters make a difference? I think you reaching out to me has tipped the balance toward sanity each time it felt like I stood at a precipice of hope or despair. Thank you.
Bill

Tough questions, tough answers

First, I know some of you missed the web site I recommended, one of the most impactful I have ever seen. Go to ted.com/index.php/talks/list to see Jill Bolte Taylor. Her talk is long but seriously informative, fascinating and inspiring.

Yesterday was our meeting with the cancer doctor (oncologist). In sum, what I have is not curable, but it may be treatable enough to give me more time. Chemo starts week after next. The diagnosis is a very unusual form of "metastasized papillary carcinoma consistent with primary urothelial cancer". The urethra basically connects the kidneys with the bladder, hence the difficulty diagnosing between kidney cancer and bladder cancer. Because the C moved into my lungs, the prognosis became more bleak. I have not had the C very long, maybe 6 moths to a year, and what caused it is totally unknown. Guessing when we pushed him, and based on averages of all age groups and fitness levels, he said I have two years or so. Optimistic as I am, I figure that means a good 5 yrs for me because of all the powerful love in my life from people like you.

The doc was with us explaining, reviewing and answering questions for over 2 hours yesterday. I was wiped out by that time and saturated beyond my ability to listen anymore. Driving home was a very long journey, and I spoke to only 2 or 3 by phone. It was Jacki, my daughter Kate and me in a wooden boat going through the rapids. Today? Well today weighs heavy but I am seeking the light.
Bill

2 good bits to share

There is an old Cree legend that goes something like this. As part of the right of passage to manhood a young brave had to spend an entire night seated on a stump blindfolded. He could not move nor remove the blindfold until the sun rose the next morning. The young brave who wanted to be tested went with his father into the woods, was positioned on the stump and was blindfolded. Throughout the night he could hear many strange noises. He feared that some wild beast would come upon him and devour him but his resolve would not let him waver. Finally the rising sun told him that the next day had finally come. When he took off his blindfold he found his father sitting on the stump right by his side. His father had protected him through the night from any harm that might befall him. So let it be with you my friend as you go through this time of night. thanks to my friend Tony

ted.com/index.php/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html
thanks to my friend Jeff

Hard to write

36 hours since I heard, and I have not been able to post much at all. My cancer is not treatable by any current medical methodology. Those are not words anyone could want to hear. Not words I hoped/expected to hear. This was a kick in the head as strong as the beginning diagnosis back in early January - maybe tougher.

I could not tell anyone except Jacki for awhile. She jumped to cancelling her client appts for the day and staying home with me. Truthfully, I wanted to be alone for a couple hours. I was stunned and had no idea what was best for me. Jacki called a couple women friends and an hour later they were here with wonderful vegetable beef soup and hugs. When in doubt, eat comfort food.

My thinking was to wait to tell people until after our meeting with the news bearing doctor (oncologist) tomorrow. I went to a smallish men's meeting last night and spoke nothing about this. Came home and called my Mom and my daughter - two hours before a final paper was due. Cancer is not convenient. Jacki's email further broke this development and so, here we are. I have now spoken directly with my guys and my sponsor. Cried over and over today, up and down and all around.

Each new bit of info, each new development, I have felt the gamut of emotion and soon get to some sort of temporary peace and then roll through them all again - afraid, sad, angry, depressed, bewhildered maybe peace again and even some gratitude. Remember, 15 yrs ago I could easily have died several times. Instead I have had 15 awesome years of growth and love and strengthening relationships. For the past 30+ hours however, I am angry at God. How could you? Name calling yelling cussing screaming. It's just not fair!!!

My recovery will not let me stay at this point. Breathe. Ask for help, pray, talk, make calls and do not for even a moment try this by myself. Know that I am not alone and find some peace in the fact, yes fact that I am not done, God is not done with me, and I am still to be useful. That is the only dangerous prayer I have found in my spiritual life: "God, please let me be useful." Careful what you pray for.

So, I am still angry and scared and wanting to escape and deny the whole picture. But------ the power of writing. Maybe the door cracked open for just a glimmer of trust in the power greater than and cancer.
Bill

Maybe you already know . . .

Maybe you already know . . . the phone call I received from the Mayo oncologist was not what seems to me good news. Basically he said that after analyzing the cells of my cancer down to the genetic level, they have determined that my cancer type does not respond to any current method of medical treatment. He has already spoken with a research oncologist at T-Gen. I might get into a clinical trial there. Or . . . .
http://www.tgen.org/

Yo Yo

Ever feel like a yo yo? That feeling has balooned a few times in the process of trying to define just wtf kind cancer I have. Since my surgical biopsy 2 weeks ago, I have believed that this week I would have the gathering of the minds to specify the problem and formulate the plan of counter attack. Now, by mail, I learn that I have another chest xray on Tue, meet with oncologist on Wed, and then meet with the urologist on Thu so he can run a scope up my organ into my bladder to have a look around. So what, now I wait until the next week to gather the minds? I am so damn tired of the wait and see stuff. So now I get to dwell on what we already "know", plus "what did the brain MRI say" and now what will the specialist see in my piss bag?

Or, I can do something to practice recovery even in this affair. Where do I get the courage? Patience? Surrender? Acceptance? Willingness? What do I do when my brain says f*** it! Where do I get the serenity to breathe, pause, take a moment, breathe, ask, ask for help, breathe, let it go, pause for that moment of freedom when it again becomes clear. I call that prayer & meditation and it near always results in that clear moment when I know I am not alone, never have been and never will be. I do not have to go through this alone and I do not have to be afraid or angry and I do not have to say f*** it! I can let it go just for this moment of trust and peace.

Whatever you want to call that power, the power that when I ask for help it gives me peace even for just a moment, that power is the God of my understanding.
Bill

Time out day

All through this process of discovery the days have been a series of pendulum swings. Today is one of the timeout days - pajamas half the day, no emotional depth, resting, phone calls - take a break because it is tiring. The physical and emotional toll resembles a pair of wrung out compression shorts hanging up to dry after an over strenuous gym workout.

Thank you so much for your prayers, offers of help, hugs, and stringless outreach to both Jacki and me. I cannot imagine how someone could go through this without bio family, spiritual family, friends who give the loving support we are receiving. Thank you!
Bill

Scoops of Emotion

Okay, here's how it stands as of today. From accumulation of testing including the biopsy the docs believe I have the CLL (chronic lymphocystic leukemia) and bladder cancer which has spread into my kydney (the baseball sized tumor) and into my lungs. They tell me that the CLL and this form of cancer are both readily treatable and respond well to chemo.

Yesterday I was at Mayo for brain MRI (with & without contrast) and a bone scan that required rarioactive injection and 2 1/2 hour wait to fully spread enough to light up all my bones. Next week , 17th and 18th I meet with more specialists including 2 or 3 oncologists. I believe they will integrate results of yesterdays brain and bone scans into previous picture and develop a specific plan of attack. Hopefully I will finally know just exactly what maladies have invaded my body.

My overal attitude is one of hope and certainty that a power greater than my and greater than cancer is walking me through. However because I am human, my emotions range from that hope and acceptance to outright despair. Full of fear and doubt to grateful for the life I have and get to continue for years to come. From optimism to fear of the unknown process. I cry multiple times a day, from sniffles to snot throwing. And then peace, serenity and faith wash over me as a gift from somewhere within/without me. I know the people closest to me are are being piled on with similar emotional scoops. Please pray for them.

I fully intend to enjoy this weekend to the fullest extent possible sharing time with my friends and loved ones. And then show up for work om Monday for the first time in near 3 weeks. Something is gonna change next week. Turning the whole picture over to the God I seek to understand makes the results none of my business. I just keep getting in the way with projection prediction and worry. Those who came before me have taught me to lean into it and pray harder!
Bill

Sautéed cabbage, Mayo & Mom

Sautéed cabbage. I am not sure even with my open taste buds that I would have tried this dish, but Mayo Clinic cafeteria had it as a special side today. With "turkey pie over buttermilk bisquit" entree, two cookies and a small no fat milk, totaled about 5 bucks. Oh wait, did I say Mayo Clinic? Yep, that's what I said. About a month ago when this odyssey started, I talked it over with the World's Best Sponsor who suggested I try the Mayo Clinic.

After 15 years of what seems to me solid effort at a good recovery program; all the steps, all the growth, all the giving, all the service, and all the relationship with HP, my first thought when he said Mayo Clinic was, "I don't deserve the Mayo Clinic!" My disease spoke first. But then all that 15 years of doin' the deal stepped up and said to the disease , "STFUASBD and I mean that in a loving way!" (You will have to ask me what that means or ask some of my guys). And my recovery said, " Yes, I do deserve the Mayo Clinic" and all they have to offer, including some pretty good Sautéed cabbage.

My Mom has been here since a couple days before my surgery. Today she went home to Wichita. She is 76, and a 2 time lymphoma survivor. She recently published a book about a specific ghost: http://www.grand-mary.com . I am proud of my Mom. She is one of my heroes. Soon after she got here she was hit with the kind of cold that kicks anyone's a**, the creeping crud kind. It took most of her energy, so it's not like she had much left to nurse me to health and cater to my whims or whatever June Cleaver did for the Beav. But she was here. For me. I love her and I'm gonna outlive her!
Bill

Fuzzy Wuzzy?

Oh yes, I feel a bit fuzzy on and off all day every day. Thinking is sketchy; typing is sketchy; memory is sketchier than usual. It's funny some of the things I don't remember except for the ones I forgot. How's that for sketchy?

The soreness from slicing between my ribs is slowly going away - only hurts when I breathe, harder/harder kind of thing. Lung volume is what I most can work on. Before I was riding my bicycle 20 - 40 miles per week. Now walking across the room is a small workout. So, I am one of those guys pulling an air canister with tubing to my nose. I always thought those were oxygen filled and people smoking near them were risking all our lives. Nope. Just filtered & compressed air. The coordination test of gracefully dancing through the tangles of tubing throughout the house is good exercise. And fun to watch the uninitiated be caught in the web.

Made a foray out into the world (2nd time post hospital?) with my Mom this day before she leaves. Went to IHOP. Amazing what an enjoyable adventure little things can be. Like my 76 yr old Mom from Kansas negotiating our traffic in a car she has never driven before. I closed my eyes alot and as I learned from Jacki, thought of all the heads my mother's driving has not decapitated recently. IHOP pancakes are still among the best, and the server spilled no coffee.

Eight of my guys brought a meeting to me last night. Filled 'em in on "the facts Ma'am, just the facts". I shared first about how I now feel the pain of responding poorly to people in my past when they were suffering loss or major health problems or whatever. I have mostly given them short shrift, saying something like,"Sorry you are going throught that", and then not even rembering their situation or reaching out in anyway. I see now that I did not know what to say or do and so I distanced myself. Some of those I have to now say "I was wrong . . ." because I harmed them. Being on the other side now, I know I like people calling even to just leave a message. Or a little text, with no reply required. Receiving the message is great; having to call back may put more on a full plate. Fine line to walk, huh?

It is great to say "Anything I can do?" if you mean it, but you just might be asked. Asking for help is tough. As we shared around the group, it was near unanimous that receiving help is tough as askng for help. The thing is, if I cannot allow myself to receive your help, then you are not allowed to give your help, so noone gets closer to the other human being by being just that - human.

One of those guys last night laid out the best thing we all can do for those in pain or sick or dying or just plain bummed out. Just go ahead and say the niceties, but then ................ just listen. Amazing the wisdom and compassion born of experience.
Bill

Sense of time

Today is part of this week. What week? Not sure, but it is a great day. Tiny bits of progress like being able to type this with only two spelling attempts per tow syllable word. Oops! I did have a great out door adventure with Keith yesterday - went all the way to Cold Stone and back. Felt like a cardio workout.

I guess some of you who care have not heard the results of the lung biopsy. Turns out I dont have kidney cancer spread into the lungs which what the docs (and me) feared. Rather, I have bladder lining cancer spread to my kidney and my lungs. Supposedly starting in the bladder lining is not as bad as starting in the kidney. Sounds pretty circular to me. Anyway they are telling me a petscan and brain MRI is next to help plan the attack. Coud be remove the kydney and chemo or just chemo. Still have the CLL thing too, but I guess that is of lower priority.

Wow! Sounds pretty bleak as I read over that last bit. But I don't feel that bleak and the docs were actually relieved about the bladder lining thing. I will tell you this though, that lung biopsy crap is a big deal to go through - the healing hurts so damn much. They deflated the lung, cut into 3 places between my ribs, felt around with his fingers for a few of those nodules, then cut 2 one inch wedges out to biopsy. Now I am getting over that. No damn good drugs to take it away. Although they are good enough to make my typing a little loopy.

The docs told me the surgery was easy but I can tell you the recovery is hard. Hmmmmmmmm - recovery is hard? Piece o' cake compared to the alternative.

"Simple? biopsy?

Ok, first of all, 4 days after the procedurey, it took me 7 tries to spell simple biopsy. Next, the next time I hear a surgeon say that, I'm just gonna kill hime for crimes against humanity - at least for crimes against me - at learst go TP his house. Why are most specialists at Mayo women?"

It is dofficult to do almost anything, but today is slightly easier than yesterday. I am not dying anytime at all nmear soon and promisee to make it to a meeting soom. Jacki is hinting that might be a good idea Coupla sponsees are threarening to bring one hear Tues eve. Right Mark? jodays9@hotmail.com and Vince?
Whuppin' Cancer With your help!
BillGeee

Good morning,

Just can't wait to get in there this morning. I hear the gowns are charming and wonder if I will look like Jack Nicholson scurrying away down the hospital hall.

The plan is, arrive Mayo 9:30am, they put me out @ 11am, surgeon does his thing for an hour to hour and a half, I come to @ 2ish, and might be cogent by 4. See ya later.

Bill

Start up post

Well, here goes my best effort to give you a sense of what this journey is like. Most of you are in recovery with me and the rest are family and others who know me and whom I trust.

I have cancer. For sure I have CLL or chronic lymphocytic leukemia. Here's a web site if you want to know more:
http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/all_page.adp?item_id=7059

The big questions as of today are what are the nodules in my lungs, are they caused by the CLL, and is the baseball sized tumor on my kidney also caused by the CLL?

If it is all rooted with CLL, that is really good news. My CLL is early stage and is readily treated with very high success rate. If it is CLL and kidney cancer, that would mean treat the CLL and cut out the kidney we only need one).

If it is CLL plus kidney cancer that has moved into my lungs well, that's not good news.

Tomorrow morning I have an invasive biopsy - cut two one inch wedges out of my lung to get 3 nodules from each wedge to test and find out WTF this is. I have been in limbo, not knowing since January 3rd. This biopsy and "what if" is heavy on my mind today - my eyes tear up now just writing that down.

The month long journey so far has included an endless shuffle of emotions: scared, sad, angry, denial, acceptance, and occasionally a profound sense of gratitude. Gratitude? Yup! If life was fair then I would have died before 15 years ago when I got clean. Recovery and all of you have given me an awesome life; better today than ever before. More tears, that's all for now.
Bill