Pendulum Swings

Okay, so Thursday I near completely immersed myself in fear, self centeredness and self pity. Woe is me, I have it so rough. I made nor answered very few calls and about 82.4% isolated most of the day. Tears came probably 47 times, maybe more than in the past 50 years total. I do acknowledge that a down day like that is just a part of the picture, and I think I just needed a break to just be with me and see what's here.

Friday went the other way. There was a song many years ago - went something like "England swings like a pendulum do". I am rewriting it to "emotions swing like a pendulum . . . " I got up, put on the happy (at least stoic) face and went to two meetings. On the phone enough to balance the day before. Truth is, I still would not trade places with most of the people on the face of our planet.

However, I am so tired of carrying this unfamiliar weight. I do not know it well enough to see how to begin letting it go. Of course stuffing it, denying it, and pretending it is not there do not work either. The weight is here, the pain is here, the sadness is here. Have not seen anger in a couple days.

Every little ache and pain that comes with being 57, is now reason to wonder, "Is that from the cancer?" The biopsy surgery has mostly healed, but some soreness remains and it still hurts to cough. Went to see Cavalia today, sitting for 3 1/2 hours. Muscle near the incision tightened up like a knot. Couldn't even go eat King Crab after with Jacki's family and Kate. Weird little things like that muscle and easily tired. I guess the lung is still healing.

Have I told you how much your calls and emails and letters make a difference? I think you reaching out to me has tipped the balance toward sanity each time it felt like I stood at a precipice of hope or despair. Thank you.
Bill