Ever feel like a yo yo? That feeling has balooned a few times in the process of trying to define just wtf kind cancer I have. Since my surgical biopsy 2 weeks ago, I have believed that this week I would have the gathering of the minds to specify the problem and formulate the plan of counter attack. Now, by mail, I learn that I have another chest xray on Tue, meet with oncologist on Wed, and then meet with the urologist on Thu so he can run a scope up my organ into my bladder to have a look around. So what, now I wait until the next week to gather the minds? I am so damn tired of the wait and see stuff. So now I get to dwell on what we already "know", plus "what did the brain MRI say" and now what will the specialist see in my piss bag?
Or, I can do something to practice recovery even in this affair. Where do I get the courage? Patience? Surrender? Acceptance? Willingness? What do I do when my brain says f*** it! Where do I get the serenity to breathe, pause, take a moment, breathe, ask, ask for help, breathe, let it go, pause for that moment of freedom when it again becomes clear. I call that prayer & meditation and it near always results in that clear moment when I know I am not alone, never have been and never will be. I do not have to go through this alone and I do not have to be afraid or angry and I do not have to say f*** it! I can let it go just for this moment of trust and peace.
Whatever you want to call that power, the power that when I ask for help it gives me peace even for just a moment, that power is the God of my understanding.
Bill
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Hey Bill,
ReplyDeleteWe had a discussion once about death.
I said I wanted to go in my sleep.
Your answer however was much better. I have remembered it and have adopted it into my belief system.
Do you remember what you said?
Hint: It had something to do with skiing.
Dear Bill,
ReplyDeleteThe waiting while the gurus get their acts together is hands down the most challenging part of this diagnosis s***!!! As the "other" in our personal saga, I could not have expressed these responses with more insight or clarity than you just did.
Guess what I've learned is that even at my nadir, I am still held in God's hands and beloved. Here's where the rubber hits the road. Am I willing to explore all my humanity with confidence that every part of me..my terror and despair can be welcomed into my awareness and be considered a gift in the process of living life on life's terms.
Spiritual growth has always been a very painful process for this alcoholic..and it never seems to change as the years pass. Guess I shall never have all the answers nor do I want them. I just want to know in that dark night of the soul that the speck of light I see at the end of the long, seemingly endless dark space is not a freight train but THE WAY out.
Here are many hugs and kisses for you, Sweet Billy.
Leslie (from South Carolina)
Gary,
ReplyDeleteSkiing full blast down hill of powder and hitting a tree like Sonny Bono?