First in Man

"First in man" is the term for it has never been tried in a human before. Looks like I will be the first man in this "first in man" trial of a cMet Inhibitor drug. I guess that means it made it past mice then monkeys and now Bill G. I go in tomorrow to sign consent form, blood work and CT scan. Barring any glitch I will get first infusion on Tuesday and every 21 days after. The infusion is sitting in a chair for just over an hour with the drug draining into my arm.

Since May 12 I have been on an intervention drug for only 6 weeks. That was Torisel which had intolerable side effects. The most recent scans were 3 months ago. My thoughts and feelings swing from anxious "oh no it's growing fast" to trusting the God of my understanding. The committee in between my ears yells that I am a very poor cancer patient not doing enough to fight my cancer. My heart says I am doing this the best way for my body and spirit.

Being off any chemo for the past weeks has given me a chance to notice that some of my body signals are not side effects of some drug. Rather they are symptoms of the disease. My breathing is a bit more difficult and I can feel a particular pain in left lung where one of the larger nodules must be. My hips and lower back ache some every day. Not sharp pain, just a dull hurt that wakes me at night. I find Aleve helps some but must be augmented with Tylenol. More than any other symptom, I just plain run out of energy. Some days are better and I get errands and yardwork done. Other days are mostly lounging and napping.

Way back in April 2009 my Oncologist told us there is no cure but that a couple drugs might slow the growth. At that time we picked Tarceva, the drug that indeed kept the growth slow for two years but then the growth spiked. In '09 he also said a newer drug may be coming down the pike, and he explained cMet inhibitor. I did not understand his explanation, but I do know that a cMet trial is at my front door. Cross our community fingers.

A friend of ours recently had to move out of her house and into a roommate situation, no longer able to have her 2 year old Boxer with her. So, I have been dog-sitting. The evening I succumbed to the decision to take him in, I decided to jump right in. I sat in my spot on the couch and got him right up beside me. Within 3 days, he ruled our sectional. Had to do a little retro training on that but he catches on quickly. Sit, lay down, speak and now roll over are in his repertoire and now we work on walk, stay and heel. No crotch sniffing, jumping on, licking nor whimpering for food that we eat. I wonder what he does when I am not looking?

Taking "Tanner" to the dog park is a real joy. For those of you who live in more spacious areas than the city, a dog park is an enclosed field where dogs can run freely. Tanner is learning how to play. I assumed lifting his leg to pee was an innate trait of all male dogs. Not Tanner, but I think even that he is learning at the dog park. The first couple trips a chihuahua chased him off. His big ears flapping at full run as the small dog nipped was pretty hilarious. Thankfully each trip his confidence grows. Okay, okay, so I admit it. The dog is good for me. Bill

Strikes to my Heart

Not real sure what that title means, but it seems a place to start this post. Much has been running around inside my head about this cancer - some of it is good stuff and the most is just befuddling. I went off the Torisel about 4 weeks ago. I got a canker sore two days after starting that med and 5 weeks later I still had the first and 5 more. I had never had a canker sore before, at least not in my mouth, under my tongue and back of my cheeks. I had difficulty swallowing, talking, eating, drinking, sleeping. All of that produced difficulty thinking.

So, as of this moment I have been off all cancer medication for 4 weeks. A couple days ago I met with a doc at T-Gen and I might be able to get on a C-Met inhibitor trial right here is Scottsdale. I would be the first human on the drug. I guess it worked well on rats and pre-human primates, so maybe on me too. However, that Doc led me to think I would hear from them today. It is 1pm and I feel like a teenager waiting by the phone for a girl to call me back. I am not bashful so I will call them shortly. These research doctors are not the warm and fuzzy types, considerate of patients (subjects) emotions.

Most of my adult life I have been more than willing to make a verbal stand on whatever "injustice" I perceive in front of me. At worst that has come out as verbal bullets and blades spewed at the current target, worst of all at a wife. I am "tough", but she hurt my feelings. It could be directed insanely at a fellow driver on the road who I knee-jerk think has done me wrong. I remain an expert at verbally, and subtly yet still slicing others when they are not present. We have a word for that, ummmmm, oh yeah, gossip.

Thankfully the edges of those negatives have worn smoother as I have grown in recovery, aged, and hopefully gained wisdom from the pain of my own actions. The harm I have done to others by judging them in the guise of just trying to help, improve or regulate is a fault I hope to amend in my behavior with others each day. Caution in speech for me is a skill developed by practice and does not come naturally. My friend quotes, "Will what I am about to say improve upon silence?"

That said, speaking out has also been a valued asset. It fuels the do-gooder in me that worked with abused children and today helps me sponsor damaged men. It fuels the battles I pick such as call that phone solicitor who preys on the elderly with tricky little mailings or calls of "we protect your credit cards". I confronted a driver yesterday who stopped at the same store I did, after weaving in and out of traffic nearly hitting and needlessly scaring several others on the road. Probably should not have picked that battle - the crash after the adrenalin rush hits too hard.

Sometimes I want to speak out and cannot, when reading the news. Here in Arizona the worst job is being a CPS CaseWorker. They face budget cuts, fewer coworkers, more cases, less time to make good follow up and therefore at least some of the blame for yet another child killed by atrocity perpetrated by some adult. Can you see boiled water, cigarettes, feces, clubs and starvation used as parenting tools? I once saw with my own eyes a baby withcigarette burn on the bottom of its feet, being taken from a mother screaming, "You can't take my baby. I love herrrr!!!"

These cases are not rare nor unusual. They occur embarrassingly more here than in most any other developed nation. This in the America where so called patriots scream for more cuts to govt spending in child programs, education and even food for kids. Where are the so-called pro-lifers for those babies? I wish I could stop reading about those children but it just should not hurt to be a child. I no longer can do tough political conversations any more. I cannot speak for those children. I cannot argue my point. The price in my health is too high. Cancer drugs kill more than just targeted tumors. I have hyper tension. I do not breathe as well. I am too tired too much. And my tears roll too readily. Really? I just can't write anymore right now.