Kansas holiday

The best part of traveling is traveling with Jacki. She is calm and relaxed, seldom tense. Very good with inlaws and outlaws - they tend to gather around her and I love to watch her with them. She travels well. Probably only 2 pairs of shoes. Most of all, there is that abiding sense of loving between us. Let's go!

Kansas is where my sibs and Mom live and where my nephews and nieces are within reach of getting there. Mom's sibs and some of their grown kids are there. We gather near Wichita every last weekend of the year. Seems like all of a sudden my nieces and nephews have kids who are no longer babies.

Best moments in Kansas? New Years Eve with about 40 people in the big party room and about a dozen of them were under 10. 4 generations of my family reminded me I have always had backup. We ate well, got along, had great fun and I beleive all of us welcome next year's repeat. I think I have written in the blog before about my increased perception that family is where it's at. ( yes I know ending a sentence with "at" is a gramatical no no, but we decided you can do it if you want to. ;-)

Both legs of our trip, Missouri and Kansas, were one of my favorite holiday gatherings ever, in part because I am now more aware and sensitive to the meaning of family.

And I also have family here in AZ. My favorite daughter (OK only) Kate is here. Oh God how I love that girl! Jacki's siblings and Dad are here, and all of us celebrated a couple times. Kate brought her best ever boy friend to dinner at Jacki's brother Dan's home. Even the oy friend wanted to stay past when he could have gracefully left.

Missouri, Kansas, Arizona - are you getting the idea how spoiled I am with so much family where love is a two way street. Not a drop of booze or other drugs the whole trip for any of these people. We know how to have fun on the natch.

For years I felt but little part of those bonds of family. I did not know how to allow myself to be part of and appreciate the variety of people in my family. Rather I stood outside, on the fringe and often rejected the whole picture. Unable to receive, stealing their right to give. It has taken 16 years of 12 step recovery to reach the point of cherishing the "both feet in the fray" I am so privileged to experience. From rejection to jumping in - it is me who changed. The roots were always available. Thank you!

Cancer? In the back of my mind, while feeling the joy of each step of this trip, was the recurring thought, "Is this my last?" Maybe it was, and that helped me participate and appreciate even more each little moment. However, the truth is that I probably will be there again and even likely that some one else will be missing before me. "I am not so special just because I think I know how I will die." A mentor here in Arizona laid that one on me a few months ago and it has helped keep me in perspective since. She is part of yet another family I get to be part of here in AZ. Maybe I can write about them tomorrow.
Bill

In my face

It has been a month or more since last I wrote. That one was right after seeing the doctor after my last CTscan. I think I titled that blog something inoccous like "It's okay". I was lying. The radiology report said 1 (one) centimeter growth in the kidney tumor and similar growth in the largest lung nodules. One centimeter equals .4 inch. The kidney tumor was 9.7 cm a year ago, and now is 10.6ish.

Once again, the Doc was happy with the rate of growth. It appears the little white pill is working - slow growth. Then Jacki went to work and I went home. And hunkered down for two days. Looking back, I did not feel "good" like the Doc said, rather I felt somber. I really do have cancer and it is slowly growing.

Our Holidays were wonderful. First to Missouri to say a few days with Sharon and HF. So it was Jacki's sister and her husband, their grown daughter ( Jacki's niece) and her year old son (Jacki's grand nephew). As family we played games, talked, laughed and of course the babe was at center stage. Joy, peace and love was abundant.

Their home is a mile or so outside Jacki's small hometown, on a beautiful spot wth a pond. It snowed - real snow! I walked twice each day through the snow and around the pond. Each time I stopped about half way and breathed. Prayed. And breathed. The air there was so clean, fresh and brisk - almost sweet. I felt calm, almost devoid of thought and noticed the presence of God. I don't know exactly how to put it; I felt safe and loved, and I felt connected to all things created. That was perhaps the strongest spiritual experience of my life, and I was privileged to get it on each of several of those walks. No lightning bolt nor burning bush. Much more subtle yet deep and lengthy. It did not renewal so much as deepen my relationship with what is God.

Maybe I can get to the 2nd leg of our trip, Kansas, tomorrow. I think I feel better.
Bill