I said I would write today, and it is a near done day so here I am. Of the to dos I set out for myself, I did not much of today, however, I need not talk bad to myself about it. My yardstick has never been very accurate anyway. So I can tell you that I house husbanded on the laundry, kitchen and making the bed. I made it to a meeting. I felt crappy much of the day, but I still was productive. Some days that just has to be enough.
Bill
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Allow Me to Introduce My Selves
All these blogs since February and now I almost feel like I am coming out of the closet. There are three characters who do not like me and all three live between my ears. Don't get all excited now, these characters aren't Sybil spinoffs. Rather, they are a way of looking at what goes on in my head, conscious and unconscious, thinking and providing play by play narrative. Please allow me to introduce my selves.
Cancer Man: You all know I have cancer. Cancer Man does not believe I will survive this disease. He believes he knows what from and when I will die. He looks constantly for symptoms or pains or anything to prove it is probably getting worse.
Depression Man: Depression Man says I don't feel like doing anything today, let's just watch TV and sleep and isolate with the ringer off.
Addict Man: Addict Man says "Listen to the other two, they are right and you're not worth the trouble anyway. He says I am not enough, never have been enough and never will be, so go ahead and make things worse, it doesn't matter anyway. Go get something to eat. Obsess on computer games. Sabotage any good thing going on in my life.
None of these characters really wants me to die because then their game would be up. And so, they compare notes. They connive, sneak, baffle and snicker. When desperate, they all pile on at the same time, kicking when I am down. They want me miserable, giving in to cancer, depression and addiction. I do have all 3 maladies, and so those three characters do live with me - they are part of me.
So, what can I do? I can talk back to them. I can say, "Shut the f**k up and sit back down, and I mean that in a loving way." They are part of me and I love me, so I like to think of them as newcomers at a 12 step meeting. They can be disruptive, but I do not have to let the chair the meeting. I love newcomers, they can be members, but they will not be allowed to take my recovery away from me! I do not have to succumb to addiction, depression nor cancer.
Any recover program, for whatever malady, requires action. Go to meetings, write, exercise, eat well, open up in my relationships with wife, daughter, friends and family. Take my physician prescribed medicine. Get some sunlight every day. Pray, meditate and ask for help.
The truth is, and maybe this is the real point of this posting, is that I have not been doing my action program to the best of my ability. It's kind of like someone quitting smoking and sneaking cigarettes. I have a plan, I do well at it for a few days, my intentions remain good, but the actual doing part goes downhill. then I close off from you because I don't want you to know that I am off plan. I stop telling the truth, asking for help, cut back on prayer isolate more and obsess on food, TV and/or video games. Completing the downward spiral, then I get to feel like a lousy participant in healing.
I will write again tomorrow and tell you what action I have taken since this post. And to the group in my head, "Let's let God chair the meeting!"
Bill
Cancer Man: You all know I have cancer. Cancer Man does not believe I will survive this disease. He believes he knows what from and when I will die. He looks constantly for symptoms or pains or anything to prove it is probably getting worse.
Depression Man: Depression Man says I don't feel like doing anything today, let's just watch TV and sleep and isolate with the ringer off.
Addict Man: Addict Man says "Listen to the other two, they are right and you're not worth the trouble anyway. He says I am not enough, never have been enough and never will be, so go ahead and make things worse, it doesn't matter anyway. Go get something to eat. Obsess on computer games. Sabotage any good thing going on in my life.
None of these characters really wants me to die because then their game would be up. And so, they compare notes. They connive, sneak, baffle and snicker. When desperate, they all pile on at the same time, kicking when I am down. They want me miserable, giving in to cancer, depression and addiction. I do have all 3 maladies, and so those three characters do live with me - they are part of me.
So, what can I do? I can talk back to them. I can say, "Shut the f**k up and sit back down, and I mean that in a loving way." They are part of me and I love me, so I like to think of them as newcomers at a 12 step meeting. They can be disruptive, but I do not have to let the chair the meeting. I love newcomers, they can be members, but they will not be allowed to take my recovery away from me! I do not have to succumb to addiction, depression nor cancer.
Any recover program, for whatever malady, requires action. Go to meetings, write, exercise, eat well, open up in my relationships with wife, daughter, friends and family. Take my physician prescribed medicine. Get some sunlight every day. Pray, meditate and ask for help.
The truth is, and maybe this is the real point of this posting, is that I have not been doing my action program to the best of my ability. It's kind of like someone quitting smoking and sneaking cigarettes. I have a plan, I do well at it for a few days, my intentions remain good, but the actual doing part goes downhill. then I close off from you because I don't want you to know that I am off plan. I stop telling the truth, asking for help, cut back on prayer isolate more and obsess on food, TV and/or video games. Completing the downward spiral, then I get to feel like a lousy participant in healing.
I will write again tomorrow and tell you what action I have taken since this post. And to the group in my head, "Let's let God chair the meeting!"
Bill
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Up to speed
A couple people have asked for the whole story from start to present. So I will attempt a short synopsis of the journey so far.
Last Christmas time a routine annual physical chest x-ray revealed nodule looking things in my lungs. The subsequent catscan was a little lower than needed, so it accidentally picked up on a bulbous thing on my right kidney. The radiologist evaluation of what he saw suggested it could be kidney cancer tumor metastasized into my lungs. In that instant my life changed.
I discovered I could go to the Mayo Clinic right here in Scottsdale. I was poked & prodded, with several specialists looking into my body in ways I don't care to repeat. What was originally described as a long needle going into one of the lung nodules to biopsy a sample evolved into a full blown operation to cut two 1 1/2 inch triangles from my right lung. Fingers and instruments between my ribs through three holes. I hear I moaned for two days. My sponsees visited and got to point and say, " there's Bill on drugs." Real cards are they all. ;-) It still hurts when I sneeze or cough.
When all was said and done, Mayo diagnosed a urothelial carcinoma metastasized into my lungs. When pressed, the Oncologist said it is terminal and said maybe 2 years. In that instant my life changed . . . some more.
However, the guy suggested getting a second opinion. The 2nd guy said just cut out the kidney, but since his diagnosis was so different from Mayo, he encouraged a 3rd opinion and referred me to a kinda famous renal cancer specialist. He sent my biopsy tissue to a super duper pathology guy who IDed the culprit as a Metastasized Papillary Renal Carcinoma. Not curable, but might be able to slow it down with a drug newly tested on this unusual kind of cancer. That was the end of March - three months of being in the dark since Christmas. Jacki was struck just as bad as me. I'm telling you, it is tough on our loved ones.
Tarceva, the drug, is a little white pill that I take every day between 1pm to 2pm. No diarrhea, no throwing up, no hair falling out. My hair is breaking off in places (chest, arms, legs, hands and fingers)so I feel like a five day growth of whiskers. Decreases my cuddle ability. Spongy brain much of each day, tiredness 1 or 2 hours before and after the pill and 2 to 4 hours of poor balance follow the pill every day. Oh, let's not forget the acne like rash on my face. I guess it is poison, but it also "is my friend".
The one catscan since starting Tarceva shows no growth - the Doc says that is good. Wasn't what I wanted to hear nor what I was afraid to hear. Next scan is in a couple weeks.
That's my best effort at telling the facts. Maybe tomorrow I can get more into the way it feels. For now, I'm tired.
Bill
Last Christmas time a routine annual physical chest x-ray revealed nodule looking things in my lungs. The subsequent catscan was a little lower than needed, so it accidentally picked up on a bulbous thing on my right kidney. The radiologist evaluation of what he saw suggested it could be kidney cancer tumor metastasized into my lungs. In that instant my life changed.
I discovered I could go to the Mayo Clinic right here in Scottsdale. I was poked & prodded, with several specialists looking into my body in ways I don't care to repeat. What was originally described as a long needle going into one of the lung nodules to biopsy a sample evolved into a full blown operation to cut two 1 1/2 inch triangles from my right lung. Fingers and instruments between my ribs through three holes. I hear I moaned for two days. My sponsees visited and got to point and say, " there's Bill on drugs." Real cards are they all. ;-) It still hurts when I sneeze or cough.
When all was said and done, Mayo diagnosed a urothelial carcinoma metastasized into my lungs. When pressed, the Oncologist said it is terminal and said maybe 2 years. In that instant my life changed . . . some more.
However, the guy suggested getting a second opinion. The 2nd guy said just cut out the kidney, but since his diagnosis was so different from Mayo, he encouraged a 3rd opinion and referred me to a kinda famous renal cancer specialist. He sent my biopsy tissue to a super duper pathology guy who IDed the culprit as a Metastasized Papillary Renal Carcinoma. Not curable, but might be able to slow it down with a drug newly tested on this unusual kind of cancer. That was the end of March - three months of being in the dark since Christmas. Jacki was struck just as bad as me. I'm telling you, it is tough on our loved ones.
Tarceva, the drug, is a little white pill that I take every day between 1pm to 2pm. No diarrhea, no throwing up, no hair falling out. My hair is breaking off in places (chest, arms, legs, hands and fingers)so I feel like a five day growth of whiskers. Decreases my cuddle ability. Spongy brain much of each day, tiredness 1 or 2 hours before and after the pill and 2 to 4 hours of poor balance follow the pill every day. Oh, let's not forget the acne like rash on my face. I guess it is poison, but it also "is my friend".
The one catscan since starting Tarceva shows no growth - the Doc says that is good. Wasn't what I wanted to hear nor what I was afraid to hear. Next scan is in a couple weeks.
That's my best effort at telling the facts. Maybe tomorrow I can get more into the way it feels. For now, I'm tired.
Bill
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Write after the 4th
What a delight was the 4th. Good friends, good food, a place to get horizontal when I needed. Lots of smiles, story telling and laughter. The kind of day we hope to have regularly. A pink cloud day - full of gratitude. Jacki is such a delight to hang around with and enjoy, wherever we are. Thank you Jacki!
We had breakfast today with Kate and then a movie. Do you have any idea what a gift it is to see my wife and my daughter having fun being women together? They get along and talk so well with each other - I have had the opposite experience with a previous wife . . . or two.
The movie was the new Johnny Depp movie, Public Enemy. As usual, a stupendous job by Mr Depp. He plays John Dillinger the bank robber from 70 years ago. Definitely had us rooting for the bad guy while also wanting him caught. Turns out even the good guys had a very bad apple.
A good friend learned today that his mother died a couple days ago. Too many newspapers outside her door, so the neighbors called him. Very sad, and I know he will lean on those of us around him instead of getting stuffed and stoic. When God squeezes your heart, it comes out your eyes . . . and your nose. Real men can cry - it is a natural human letting go. Even big strong dams release water.
Bill
We had breakfast today with Kate and then a movie. Do you have any idea what a gift it is to see my wife and my daughter having fun being women together? They get along and talk so well with each other - I have had the opposite experience with a previous wife . . . or two.
The movie was the new Johnny Depp movie, Public Enemy. As usual, a stupendous job by Mr Depp. He plays John Dillinger the bank robber from 70 years ago. Definitely had us rooting for the bad guy while also wanting him caught. Turns out even the good guys had a very bad apple.
A good friend learned today that his mother died a couple days ago. Too many newspapers outside her door, so the neighbors called him. Very sad, and I know he will lean on those of us around him instead of getting stuffed and stoic. When God squeezes your heart, it comes out your eyes . . . and your nose. Real men can cry - it is a natural human letting go. Even big strong dams release water.
Bill
Friday, July 3, 2009
Write before the 4th
Replying to a friends email encouraging me to write after too long not doing so, I found myself writing about how it's going. So I will cheat and paste that in as a beginning: "I have been in a funk of sorts. Brain seems cloudy. I say that and some people call it chemo brain. No excuse, but it is how it feels to me. I am so tired of taking that stuff. It comes on like some drug of the past then makes me feel like crap – longer now than a month ago. Maybe a few hours instead of 1 or two. WEell, here I am writing, so maybe I will cut and paste it in to get me started, thank you."
There, a start.
The 4th of July is tomorrow. I remember accidentally finding the Liberty Bell while strolling in a park near downtown Philadelphia probably in 1978. I thought it was a replica and went closer, seeing it was the real thing. I turned 180 degrees and behold! There was Independence Hall where the Bell used to ring from its spire. Did you know PENSYLVANIA as spelled on the bell, is missing the 2nd n?
Anyway, I suddenly felt a shiver up my spine and tears in my eyes - a sensation I can only label as visceral Patriotism. A friend recently told me of her trip to Washington DC where she got the same overwhelming feeling of awe. The Capitol Mall must trigger that same visceral Patriotism. I would like to go there and walk the Mall.
That feeling of Patriotism is just that, something I feel more than just think. What have I ever done to protect that feeling which I would guess so many of us feel? I drew a very big lottery number in the draft for Viet Nam. I did not welcome the men coming back, never even occurred to me at the time. I did ask inane questions of my uncle when he returned. He has never really spoken with me since, and bridging that gap is beyond me and perhaps not even appropriate. I did call him a few years ago long distance and say, "Welcome back." But that was met with a distant reaction that I interpreted as no interest in "reupping" our relationship which once was close.
Today we all know to welcome and applaud the solders coming home. They are often older and people we know in our adult lives, not just the kids we sent to Viet Nam. They exemplify the action behind Patriotism, even when I disagree with why they are sent to wherever armpit location our leaders think best. I can welcome them when they come home and shudder when they are sent back again and again. Weekend warriors my ass!
What action can I take to back up my feeling of Patriotism? Is it the knee jerking verbal tirades and accusations of being "UNPATRIOTIC!"? I don't think so. Is it judging others' level of loyalty to our nation? Nooooo. How about speaking my mind in a strong yet cordial way when I see people in the USA treated without equality? Maybe. How about when I give to those who need something I can give, and give with out strings (maybe even anonymously)? Yes, I like that one.
Recently I encountered a person near my circle of acquaintance. He basically screamed at me about some very conservative (much further right than any of my family)beliefs at odds with my left/moderate lean to the left. He expressed hatred and ill will, even a desire for all the recent efforts to repair our nations ills to fail. Not just fail, but fail miserably, squashing even further our poor, our hungry, our sick, and our suffering, children and elderly included. I am not sure what he wanted, but I hope he is not an example of our system of bipartisan checks and balances. I hope he is not an example of what he claimed is being a Patriot. Hate and vitriol, hoping for failure. I did not see those qualities etched in the Liberty Bell alongside the misspelled Pincilvanea.
Cheers to all of us who appreciate the diversity in our country and all that diversity can continue to accomplish. I am hopeful.
Bill
There, a start.
The 4th of July is tomorrow. I remember accidentally finding the Liberty Bell while strolling in a park near downtown Philadelphia probably in 1978. I thought it was a replica and went closer, seeing it was the real thing. I turned 180 degrees and behold! There was Independence Hall where the Bell used to ring from its spire. Did you know PENSYLVANIA as spelled on the bell, is missing the 2nd n?
Anyway, I suddenly felt a shiver up my spine and tears in my eyes - a sensation I can only label as visceral Patriotism. A friend recently told me of her trip to Washington DC where she got the same overwhelming feeling of awe. The Capitol Mall must trigger that same visceral Patriotism. I would like to go there and walk the Mall.
That feeling of Patriotism is just that, something I feel more than just think. What have I ever done to protect that feeling which I would guess so many of us feel? I drew a very big lottery number in the draft for Viet Nam. I did not welcome the men coming back, never even occurred to me at the time. I did ask inane questions of my uncle when he returned. He has never really spoken with me since, and bridging that gap is beyond me and perhaps not even appropriate. I did call him a few years ago long distance and say, "Welcome back." But that was met with a distant reaction that I interpreted as no interest in "reupping" our relationship which once was close.
Today we all know to welcome and applaud the solders coming home. They are often older and people we know in our adult lives, not just the kids we sent to Viet Nam. They exemplify the action behind Patriotism, even when I disagree with why they are sent to wherever armpit location our leaders think best. I can welcome them when they come home and shudder when they are sent back again and again. Weekend warriors my ass!
What action can I take to back up my feeling of Patriotism? Is it the knee jerking verbal tirades and accusations of being "UNPATRIOTIC!"? I don't think so. Is it judging others' level of loyalty to our nation? Nooooo. How about speaking my mind in a strong yet cordial way when I see people in the USA treated without equality? Maybe. How about when I give to those who need something I can give, and give with out strings (maybe even anonymously)? Yes, I like that one.
Recently I encountered a person near my circle of acquaintance. He basically screamed at me about some very conservative (much further right than any of my family)beliefs at odds with my left/moderate lean to the left. He expressed hatred and ill will, even a desire for all the recent efforts to repair our nations ills to fail. Not just fail, but fail miserably, squashing even further our poor, our hungry, our sick, and our suffering, children and elderly included. I am not sure what he wanted, but I hope he is not an example of our system of bipartisan checks and balances. I hope he is not an example of what he claimed is being a Patriot. Hate and vitriol, hoping for failure. I did not see those qualities etched in the Liberty Bell alongside the misspelled Pincilvanea.
Cheers to all of us who appreciate the diversity in our country and all that diversity can continue to accomplish. I am hopeful.
Bill
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