Sunday, April 26, 2009

Is it in the water?

In the past I have often thought that seldom has something bad happened to me or the people around my life. I know I was minimizing some events - heart attacks, severe back pain, extreme migraines, my own active addiction. Those are all pretty bad for people to go through, but not numerous in my space. I am blessed that around me no murders, car accidents, hurricanes, tornadoes, fires, nobody died in Viet Nam, Iraq nor Afghanistan. No one close to me has gone through any of those extreme life events. I have been fortunate.

Now, recently, past couple years, it seems cancer, hep c, death and heartbreak are so near in the lives around me. The cancer stuff - mine I would not trade with others I know. Pete; Danny; Ham; my sister; Jeff's 1st sponsor. We are so human and life is such a fragile gift that changes and goes away. I have no sense that I am leaving anytime soon - years away. But my perspective sure has changed. My gratitude for those who have and those who still do touch my life is greater than any time past.

Jacki, Kate, my Mom and siblings. My sponsees and sponsors and so many around the rooms who have gifted me. These are my treasures - far surpassing the sum of all the money I tried so hard to make. I am alright, I will be alright, and I have always been alright. It is my life and it is a jewel. So are you.
Bill

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Itchy humor

After brushing my teeth this morning I looked up and saw this guy with his left arm up and over to the right side just above the ear. Just like an orangutan, scratching. My arms are long, but it was the dorky look that made me laugh. So maybe next time you see me, just reach up & over and scratch. Give us both a smile.

The stuff on my face is not acne - looked pretty much like it. Now however, my nose is better but it is so tender at my hairline that the slightest bump or even shower spray makes it bleed. Now I'm scabby. Tried wearing a hat to cover it up but that made it worse. A really good friend suggested a paper bag but thought that might buy into my too vain need to look good. Remember, I am getting some needed humility out of all this. Cancer ain't all bad. Okay, that wasn't funny.

My sponsor has me writing an angry letter at cancer - get to call it nasty names and press really hard on the pen. I am f'in mad about having cancer - it really ticks me off! He does not want me to end the letter getting all spiritual, just put the anger on paper. No problema. I can do that, but you readers don't get to see it. Well okay, maybe for a price, money is getting short.

A few months ago, before cancer (henceforth BC) I left work and had an obsessive urge to buy. Anything. Something. I did not do it that time but it was a moment of clarity. I have always fixed on retail solutions to how I feel. Looking for something external to change how I feel is so easy to do but too often has consequences I don't want. I have not had a cigarette since March 3, 2006 at 5pm. But recently I have had stronger urges to smoke than any other time since. I don't even bother to ask "Why?" And I do not believe when someone else claims to not know why they do such things. Self sabotage. Sometimes I am not my friend.

That's part of why I write this stuff; writing can help get the sabotage out of my not quite subconscious. Thanks for reading and praying and laughing with me.
Bill

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Duh!!

Okay so writing that post a couple days ago helped snap me out of the funk and into some action. Met with my sponsor, rode my bike, meeting, out and about in spite of the hideous (to me) acne like stuff on my face. The DUH!! comes in because starting the chemo 12 days ago and the effects so far have had an impact on me just like every other new development of my cancer story. It is another change, a new bit of news, it is tough and scary and it threw me for a loop. I felt fear and anger, stuffed it, retreated into my turtle shell and could not move.

Solution? Moving a muscle gives a new thought and changes how I feel. I can do this, chemo is my friend, you guys love me, God is here and together we can get on with "Whuppin' Cancer!" My imagery is the pill is working, breaking down the cancer nodules in my lungs and that putrid stuff is coming out like zits - poison leaving my system. Shrink the lung nodules then cut out the kidney with the baseball tumor on it. That's the plan Stan.

Just a little aside: my sponsor says one of my shortcomings is being too concerned with looking good. The pimples all over my forehead and nose pretty much force me past that glitch in my character. Here I am, zits and all, and I'm still a fine specimen of God's handiwork.

I see the doc tomorrow, following up on how the little white pill is hitting me. Pretty much just as he predicted except no diarrhea so far. Guess none of us should buy stock in Imodium after all.
Bill

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Funky stretch

I don't know how to express what is going on since I started taking "my friend" the chemo pill. There are a few fairly minor side effects, fatigue, more difficulty sleeping, itching and twitchy. The acne like skin stuff on my face and scalp is driving me nuts (short drive). I have a new empathy for teenagers who have bad acne, and I am very self conscious of what others think is wrong.

Yesterday and this morning my vision is a little blurred - feels like when I put gel type eye drops in for my occasional dry eye. Maybe worst is a mental cloud, fuzzy thinking, emotional numbness and feeling disconnected. I am in a funk, probably depression exasperated by the little white pill. I pray & meditate as best I can, ride my bike call people fairly well, take my depression med. All of which have worked so well prior to this chemo.

The funk will pass if I keep doing what has always worked. Lean into it. People ask how I am doing - remember, some really don't want to listen to my real answer, and sometimes I just don't want to tell. The few times I have tried to talk and put it into words, I come up short. Some of it is feeling like I am complain too much and focus too much on the symptoms which near consume my awareness like a toothache. I try to stay away from crying tho' as I write I am dripping I just don;t like going through this and I so miss how my life was before cancer.

I can't work. Too scattered thinking, sporadic and unpredictable fatigue. And I have no answer for "What do you do all day?" I am hitting 4ish meetings a week, doing some step work with sponsees, search for and download music that I may like, take a nap for fatigue, and obsess on the acne like stuff. Wash and lotion, wash and lotion.

All the while trying to keep my attitude up and positive, hopeful, trusting God and just moving one foot after another. I am hanging in and I need your help - I am not doing very well at reaching out right now.
Bill

Sunday, April 12, 2009

It's a beautiful day

Easter, spring, 70s, the day after rain in Arizona. An engineer/physicist/artist beyond my ability to comprehend designed this day and every day. 'twasn't me. But i do get to enjoy it. No matter what else is going on, I can notice the miraculous beauty and power around me. Maybe best of all I got to hang with Jacki all weekend.

Hello Vince. ;-)

Side effects? Six days into the chemo pills, the side effects are fairly mild. Drowsy for couple hours after taking; squiggly/twitchy body feelings; very dry mouth and skin. If my nose gets any redder it will look like and old alcoholics nose. A few zits are appearing on my face - acne like. My attention span seems shorter than ever. Who knows what that's from.

My prayers are simple - asking for God's will and the power to carry it out. Expressing gratitude for Jacki and Kate, my family, my recovery community, and for keeping me clean another day.

Meditation/imaging comes in bits and moments through out the day, breathing and seeing the medicine flowing around the cancer nodules in my lungs, shrinking them .01 millimeter each day.

We rode our bicycles a few miles today, against the wind going and with it coming home. Already some days of the little white pill are against the wind - just lean into it. Thank you.
Bill

Friday, April 10, 2009

Don't wanna take it

I do not want to do it. I don't feel like it. I'm too busy. I can miss one. Too much to do.

That's how I feel frequently about many things that are probably good for me. This morning I felt tired, sick and wobbly. I called my sponsor's number and left a message. Called three other guys. No answer. Jacki was not home. Had the thought it would be a good time to go to a meeting. That's what recovery tells me, call and go to a meeting. Not just when I want to, but also when I don't want to. Instead I started arguing with myself - "I do not want to do it. I don't feel like it. I'm too busy. I can miss one."

Did not want to go to that meeting because it lasts too long. Not the other meeting because I don't like how they run their meeting. Maybe I could drive 20 miles to the other noon meeting - no, too far. Problem is, I am out of excuses to not do what has saved my life for so many years.

In recovery, especially when we are new, but often useful when we are longtimers, we are told to "do what we don't want to do and don't do what we want to do. So I went to the meeting anyway. Nooner closest to home. Gave/got a few hugs. Came home feeling a little better.

And then, even though it made me itchy, queasy and shaky last night, drowsy and then too squirmy to sleep, I took the little white pill. Even though, "I do not want to do it. I don't feel like it. I'm too busy. I can miss one. Too much to do." I did it anyway. Recovery. Healing.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Belief

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law,
but the operation of a higher law.
I prefer to believe that the doctors and chemo assist the miracle. It's gonna take a miracle to whup this cancer. It is a miracle that has years to develop and happen. It may come in the form of a medical advance. My doc says there may be a trial coming of a MET inhibitor that compliments the drug I started on Tuesday. We could catch my cancer in a cross fire.

My God uses people to instigate and manifest miracles. Who am I to say what form that may take. My best understanding is that I must cooperate with the work of my higher power who creatively writes higher law. Might even uses natural law as a spring board.

Today was the 2nd day taking the innocent looking little white pill. One a day, every day; see the doc every other week. The only apparent side effects so far are a very dry mouth with a metallic taste, and drowsiness for about 2 hours after taking it. I don't feel safe driving. Sat in a meeting today with some concern that I would seem "on a nod".

Daughter Kate said yesterday, "don't manifest the side effects."
I agree that dwelling on the possibilities can sort of attract the symptoms. My body does speak to me and I notice little changes. What is real, and what is just in my head? I have no magic answer to that question. I do know from my own experience that when I move a muscle I get another feeling. Action effects how I feel, so staying busy, active, involved all help get me out of my own head where every little thing might be a symptom. Action frees me from my own head. If I have a significant side effect, it will have to bang loudly on my door.

There I am, trying to see the bright side, the empowering side. And, I also get stuck in the obsessive part, the "worry is like praying for something you don't want to happen." I get mixed messages (probably from me) about whether it is okay to think certain thoughts, or feel certain ways. I am self centered enough to primarily think about me. My case is worse/more important than others. Tears threaten to fall over so many little things, but the thought quickly following is "yeah but, its not that important!" I have cancer so I am supposed to have this new perspective about what's really important. But the truth is, I mostly think it is my stuff that is important, not yours. I have moments (quite a few actually) of compassion for others, but even right now writing this, my head says "but not enough moments".

For years now, I have tried to banish words like should, supposed to, ought to - those words are judgmental of myself and most of us use them way too much. Turns out that cancer brings out a bunch of old habits, thoughts, resentments. So, it's not all peachy here in my skin. But a good friend says I can start my day over repeatedly by saying "TA DAAAA". Kind of silly, but it works.
Bill

Monday, April 6, 2009

Home for chemo

Did not want to come home from cabin in the woods. Walking there is meditation on the natch. So quiet, with only breeze in the trees and birds to hear. Gently calming, healing, easing, smoothing and maybe most importantly, only mildly mindful of cancer. It was click on the refresh button of our love for each other.

So now, it is Monday morning and at 1:20pm I see the doc again to summarize what we know, and go over the chemo plan. Unless he has uncovered a surprise, I will walk out of there with a script, fill it, take it, and begin whatever journey treatment holds. All the positive thinking, prayer, meditation, action, love and good vibes you have sent my way are about to finally be supplemented by modern medicine.

Jacki asked me what am I feeling? It's jumbled - from confident to dread. From relief to anxious. From completely loved to completely alone. It's me going through this, and it is "vuja day" - I've never been here before. So of course I feel fear and trepidation, but so many of you have shared with me your own experience (sorry, advice does not help much) or that of someone close, that I also feel trust and faith that this will work and be bearable. Chemo is my friend? I'll let you know.
Bill

Thursday, April 2, 2009

headache

I have a headache this morning. It is from a special category of stress reserved only for health insurance paperwork and the people who relish finding all the eye's and tees to dot and cross. Amazing how heavy the money aspects of having cancer can be. I am certain it must be similar for anyone short of wealthy who has beyond the usual maladies. Stop me please before I get on my soap box about how embarrassing I find the health care system in the USA today.

Jacki and I are so ready for our 3 day weekend at a cabin in the woods. As my daughter Kate would say, we will be "chillaxing".

Talk with you later!
Bill