Hard to write

36 hours since I heard, and I have not been able to post much at all. My cancer is not treatable by any current medical methodology. Those are not words anyone could want to hear. Not words I hoped/expected to hear. This was a kick in the head as strong as the beginning diagnosis back in early January - maybe tougher.

I could not tell anyone except Jacki for awhile. She jumped to cancelling her client appts for the day and staying home with me. Truthfully, I wanted to be alone for a couple hours. I was stunned and had no idea what was best for me. Jacki called a couple women friends and an hour later they were here with wonderful vegetable beef soup and hugs. When in doubt, eat comfort food.

My thinking was to wait to tell people until after our meeting with the news bearing doctor (oncologist) tomorrow. I went to a smallish men's meeting last night and spoke nothing about this. Came home and called my Mom and my daughter - two hours before a final paper was due. Cancer is not convenient. Jacki's email further broke this development and so, here we are. I have now spoken directly with my guys and my sponsor. Cried over and over today, up and down and all around.

Each new bit of info, each new development, I have felt the gamut of emotion and soon get to some sort of temporary peace and then roll through them all again - afraid, sad, angry, depressed, bewhildered maybe peace again and even some gratitude. Remember, 15 yrs ago I could easily have died several times. Instead I have had 15 awesome years of growth and love and strengthening relationships. For the past 30+ hours however, I am angry at God. How could you? Name calling yelling cussing screaming. It's just not fair!!!

My recovery will not let me stay at this point. Breathe. Ask for help, pray, talk, make calls and do not for even a moment try this by myself. Know that I am not alone and find some peace in the fact, yes fact that I am not done, God is not done with me, and I am still to be useful. That is the only dangerous prayer I have found in my spiritual life: "God, please let me be useful." Careful what you pray for.

So, I am still angry and scared and wanting to escape and deny the whole picture. But------ the power of writing. Maybe the door cracked open for just a glimmer of trust in the power greater than and cancer.
Bill