Most every day I have gone through feeling angry at the big C. Sometimes it is directed at God or at me or at whatever, I just feel angry in those moments/minutes/hours. The C is trying to take something very dear to me away from me, and it ticks me off major Big Time! I now also understand that it is not only me who feels some anger, but many who care about me do as well. Look inside yourself and find that emotion, whether directed at God or C or at me, I am guessing it is there. Cancer is threatening to take me away from you, and feeling angry is one thing we humans do when that happens.
In early recovery I heard one of my favorite speakers say, "Whatever gets stuffed down and in instead of up and out, still comes out. Sideways! In the form of bizarre behavior." I am sure he did not invent that one, but it must have struck him with truth just as it did me. If I stuff scared or sad or anger, that emotion evolves into something ugly and toxic and will do harm when it leaks out.
Whether turning into depression, a verbal lashing at someone else, or getting loaded, trying to keep a lid on what I feel just simply does not result in love. It results in resentment, rage, stress, depression, high blood pressure, overeating, etc, etc. I must let it out, but in ways that do not harm me or others. Talking, writing, exercising, praying, and talking some more all help me to stand with love. I must recognize an emotion for what it is and know that it is okay to feel.
I snapped at Jacki yesterday - spoke with harsh tone and instantly saw that fleeting look of pain. I stuffed just a little yesterday and it leaked in the bizarre behavior of hurting the woman of my dreams. Because I fall short of perfection, that may well happen again in some small way. But my emotions are a gift from God and with practice I am better at expressing them sooner rather than later in ways that do not harm me nor others. God help me and God help you!
Bill
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I love you Bill! Gina
ReplyDeleteLife isn't fair? My biggest question lately has been why not? Who decided it would be a great idea to make life unfair? Why can't we take this whole cancer thing to a judge and jury who will decide if this injury is deserving for you, for Jacki, for me, for friends and family? I have voiced my anger and frustration at the lack of fairness to my roommate. Seems like life finally gets on track to pretty freaking awesome for all of us and bang! That picture is at least dramatically dimmed. However, I remain focused on hope. I cling to the fact that the doctors, even the best of the best at mayo, do not have a sure answer for us on, well, anything. He said two years, you said you hope for five or more but the bottom line is he said he has never seen a circumstance like this. I say you could have twenty. It does occur to me that as I write this it sounds like denial. But I assure you I do see the nature of this disease. I am mearly finding a way to cope, a way to pray, and a way to focus on hoping for the possible, even if not necessarily probable. Love you so much dad! Your writing is inspirational, sage-like and I am sure therapeutic as well.
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