Grief and waiting

It has been difficult for me to write this week - I think I have done the blog less than any week since I started to write. It remains one of the most helpful actions I do for my healing - gets the stuff out onto the table. Still, this week I have felt in limbo, waiting for the kidney cancer specialist who said I would hear by yesterday or today. Have not heard. My hunch is that he is waiting on the pathologist at UofA Med Center, but the guy really ought to tell me. Tell me yes, tell me no, just don't leave me in the dark!

Gosh, could it be I get to practice patience? Will this happen IGT or IDT (in doctors time)? Just not in my time - I still want what I want right now! Don't they know who I am? Yes, I have been spoiled by all the previous doctors and specialists since Jan 6. They all got back to me within a couple days. This week of waiting may be more typical of how we receive medical attention. Typical does not mean it's easy. I am somewhat resigned to the fact that I will get news from pathology when it is ready and I must get over it.

The grief part? Just today I had one of those epiphanies. My life before 2009 is changed forever - some parts are gone, and I miss them. Ability to work consistently. Going to a doctor just once a year. Going more than a day without crying. House hunting, planning big trips with Jacki. Riding my bicycle until the wheels fall off. Stamina to be vertical more than 3 hours consecutively. Thinking because I quit smoking and got very active physically that I would live to 95.

Those and so many more aspects of my life are gone and I miss them greatly I grieve and weep. I was not aware of that grief before today - it was not labeled in my brain, it was just an unidentified flying object in my heart and psyche. I felt something very heavy and did not know it enough to put it into words. Thank God for the help, understanding and insight of people who love. I'm in the forest and did not see the tree branch that kept whopping me up side of the head.

So, my ego is a little bruised ( I should have known!), but my heart is more at ease.

My good friend in San Diego lost his sponsor yesterday. A sponsor is a man who makes such an impact as to be held in a spot inside where very few other humans have ever even been. A sponsor changes our life for better in ways never dreamed. A sponor can walk us through the darkness because he has been there before an knows the way through. A sponsor helps a troubled and angry man become a kind and loving man. Kevin, I love you my Brother and I am sorry for your loss!
BillG