Every other day or so recently I have had a gnawing sense of doom right before wakening. In that twilight half awake, half asleep zone. It seems to have the resentment or anger that came at the same stage of awake/sleep regularly a few weeks ago. The resentments were crazy - some from 2nd grade of old ones that receded or ebbed with forgiveness, but apparently not totally dealt with years ago.
I do not know why these negative pre-thoughts come at such a time, that half awake. They spring I suppose from fear of the unknown diagnosis or prognosis or news to come perhaps the ext day. Not on the day of some newsy appointment like tomorrow, but the day before. Go ahead and tell me it is okay to feel these things - it's natural, human and understandable. Or, tell me I "should" feel some other way or focus on the positive. The fact is this fear based stuff just hits me, swamps me some days and it really sucks. On the edge but not quite crying - a lump in my throat over 27.62 different moments during the day.
This morning I dreamed/awoke with those feelings. I prayed my favorite prayers asking for help. The feeling waned and I started my day. I had brunch with family and the conversation was lively but also edging close to arguing. Most of my life I have enjoyed such interchange with friendly disagreement. Today, and often lately, such small clashes of ideas bang my thin - I don't know what to call it. The rest of the day has been tired, too long nap, willing and dressing for bike ride, changing my mind, edging on tears and burping bacon from brunch. I read yesterday's blog and quickly see the swung pendulum.
I hope for news from the rocket science pathologist tomorrow, but realistically it will come Tuesday or Wed - maybe even Thu. Probably tomorrow I will settle in a bit more and be able to relax, focus for more than 42 seconds, and step out of what seems like trapped in a shell. Even as I write that, my head discounts it with all the people with bigger problems, and there are so many such people. Looking back on this day, I have thought near continuously of me myself and I. Some days are just like that and they suck.
Tomorrow I will go to a meeting and take an old mostly blind guy to buy a bigger TV - he wants it, can afford it and I can help. Thanks.
Bill
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Burping bacon from lunch brings me to tears also. Or maybe it's the avocado with the bacon... anyway... when I wake like that I tell my disease "Thanks for doing your job and sharing. So STFU, and you can go now."
ReplyDeleteI heard that from someone I love, admire and respect.
Hey Bill, I don't know if you should be feeling these things or not. All I know is that your head has been playing the "waiting on cancer diagnosis game" like a tennis ball on the court, for more than two months. I'm hoping and praying that the match will be over this week. Then you can start making a new game plan to beat this thing. Waiting with you ......
ReplyDeleteSly, Gina
May the sun bring in new energies by day,
ReplyDeleteMay the moon safey restore you at night and The breeze blow new strength into your being.
I don't know who wrote that but I wanted to share it with you, I Love ya Mr Bill......Carrie Sue
My sweet Bill,
ReplyDeleteI love you! I pray for you every day and night. The waiting is awful..not knowing is crazy making. I read your LASERED truth..no quarter honesty and am humbled by the power of our shared humanity. I am grateful for your presence in my life. Hugs, Leslie
Please give my friend a break...
ReplyDeletethis is no easy road, but in the moment we are...here