Papillary Renal Cell Carcinoma (PRCC) metastasized into the lungs. There it is. A bit different than Mayo clinic came up with, but now I have two other opinions in agreement with each other. This one was pin pointed by a "world known" kidney cancer pathologist. About 10% of kidney cancer is PRCC. The papillary type of cell, especially when it has metastasized, responds poorly to most types of chemo treatment, so I am headed to the investigatory and experimental treatments. Helping the medical community in the "practice" of medicine. Service work ingrained here.
Can't say I am happy with this diagnosis - I feel sad. AND, it is the hand I've been dealt and I can bluff. Still have years to go.
I have thoughts (and maybe some real or perceived pressure from others)about how I am supposed to feel and deal with this 3 month old health issue. Shouldn't I be able to suck it up and get on with my daily routines? Shouldn't I be positive, accepting and spiritual more of the time instead of ebbing into regular funks? I ought to get back to work as though nothing is wrong. I shouldn't be afraid if I really trust God. I oughta be happy I am not in so many other peoples' shoes. Shoulda, coulda woulda, oughta. Throw in some what ifs.
Intellectually I know I get to just feel what this is like and do the best I can on a daily basis. My ego, my sense of manhood, my self esteem are all taking a hammering. Humility, surrender, faith, trust and acceptance eke out of every hour AND all the doubts and fears do as well. The roller coaster continues, but a little slower and fewer stomach dropping dives.
The specialist I am going to has cast his net to the kidney cancer research and advanced medicine community for the latest trials showing some success. Because my case is unusual, some researchers want me in their groups. Hopefully that net will bring in a couple big fish. Give it a week or so to sort through the information gathering and then I will talk with my guy again about treatment strategy. More waiting. More time to adjust to this new part of my life and get more involved with some of the subjective parts I can to play. Thank you for being in this with me.
Bill
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I'm with you, Bill! I understand the roller coaster ride even though my situation was never as drastic as yours. But I was purely terrified when any little unknown bump in the road came along. Totally paranoid. I do pretty well at shutting my fears off most of the time--playing ostrich.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the meditation and exercise. (Yes, I've been exercising every day, thanks to your encouragement.) I'm sure you've noticed that your best days are those when you stay busy. But when I'm in a funk, it's difficult to do that. "Just leave me alone so I can pout for a while," is part of my funk.
I love you and have my beads at hand, with prayers going up for you.
LYS
Mom
I'm mad and I'm sad with you Bill. One of my sponsors once told me to believe God can do anything. Miracles happen, expect a miracle.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Joanne
it's suppose to be spring
ReplyDeletebeneath the clouds there is love
and I see the bright light of your spirit
even in the shadow of the outrageous.
You are still a miracle my friend and much loved.
Bill, PRCC. They could have gone all week without telling you that. Oh, I guess they did that already!
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that now you know and you can start to fight. Great news too that they want you in some special groups. Surely that means that you will be right on top of getting their best shot.
I'm so proud of you for working through your feelings and expressing them. This blog has been wonderful. You know that Jesus was mad in the temple and he agonized in the Garden of Gethsemane. The bible says he was sorrowful and troubled.
You are acknowledging your feelings and dealing with them as best you can. Way to go Bill! SLY, Gina
"More waiting. More time to adjust to this new part of my life and get more involved with some of the subjective parts I can to play. Thank you for being in this with me."
ReplyDeleteBill - We will be here to wait with you, adjust with you, be involved with you.
We love you exactly the way you are.
Love,
Phyllis & John
"Because my case is unusual, some researchers want me in their groups."
ReplyDeleteFinally you are getting to be the center of attention without the guilt! Now it really CAN be all about you!
I love you Bill. See ya Thursday!
Bill, I pray for you that God will extend his helping hands to the Doctors guiding them to help heal you. in Jesus name Amen.
ReplyDeleteIn tough times, keep your head up. Love Bob
It is what it is and you feel what you feel.
ReplyDeleteWe're with you -- no matter what!
Dear Bill,
ReplyDeleteTony and I have been checking your entries every day; no entry...frustration for us and for you.
An entry..tsunami of scare along with pleas for mercy from HP! That's from us. Tonight as we drove to Applebee's for dinner, we were both very sad and tearful.
I do not have language to express my howling emptiness and sadness upon reading the DX. But just as that awareness dawns on me, I give you to God for your safekeeping and for HIS healing. Whatever God brings to us, He will carry us through. Once again I am powerless in the moment.
I know I love you; I admire your sharing with such candor and eloquence; I feel humbled in the face of your humanity and whatever comes from this shared spiritual journey will be a gift.
Though I am not in Tempe, I am there in Spirit for both you and Jacki.
Love and Hugs to the two of you.
Leslie