Feels like I am standing in a long line for a movie I don't even want to see. A fellow cancered person suggested recently that I start viewing chemo as my friend trying to help me. At this point I am at least hoping to finally get introduced to this "friend".
Before this disease entered my picture, my sponsor helped nail me on a previously unrecognized character defect - self importance. I still have difficulty spotting this one, but I know it is there. For some of you who do not understand already, a defect of character is one of the ways we can keep others at arms length, keep walls up, get rid of friends and wives. Maybe most harmful of all, they serve to keep me disconnected from God.
Self importance for me sits in a group including controlling (regulating you), self centered (thinking mostly about me), impatient, intolerant, closed minded, judgmental etc. In general, they are variations of fear - you might laugh at me, reject me, abandon me, hurt me or spot me for the fraud I am. Remember, I did not say those fears are rational, accurate or even likely assessments of reality. Those fears come from that deep sense that I am not enough, arguing with I am a beautiful child of God. More accurately I am enough just as I am, not perfect, just on the way.
So, self importance. My cancer is worse than yours. the doc should address my health first, putting me at the front of the line. Telling you about me but not listening about you. Interrupting when you attempt to share your own experience with life threatening health issues. You should listen to me, because I can tell you like it is. I am not always practicing self importance, but I must get to where I can put my problem into a more accurate perspective. Many people suffer from similar issues and their pain and fear is just as valid as mine. I am not unique.
I wait again today for news from the "rocket science" pathologist about exactly (hopefully) what kind of cancer cells are attacking my kidney and lungs. Apparently there a jillion types of cancer, many requiring a different kind of treatment with differing success rates. Getting this far in the diagnosis process has been difficult in part because the two possible types of cells are tough to differentiate, hence the specialized kidney cancer pathologist. Now I wish upon a star . . .
Bill
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Hey Bill just wanted to let you know that I love you and every time we talk I always come out feeling better. I am here for you anytime you need me and that also goes for Jackie. Know that god is with you. Rick
ReplyDeleteThank you Rick. Ours is a two way street, so let's keep it going!
ReplyDeleteBill
Hi, Bill. Your blog today reminded me of a solo I sang in high school from Mendelsohn's "Elijah." The only words I remember are "Oh, rest in the Lord; wait patiently for him, and he shall give thee thy heart's desires." I believe those words are true, but oh how hard it is to wait! I'm here for you. LYS, Mom
ReplyDeleteBoy, do I know what you are going through. I sat in the hospital for 12 days waiting for, as you really nailed it, "rocket science" to tell me what kind of Leukemia I had. It is painful, not knowing. Relief will come, and that "friend" will follow. Bill, you are so witty, I love it. YOU bring comfort into my life by just reading your blogs. We must get together. We can really have a good talk about these feelings. The 4th paragraph really hit home for me. Same stuff goes on in my head. (3rd paragraph also). I will call you, too much to say in a blog. Also, I am not as open as you are, or insightful regarding myself. Hang in...
ReplyDeleteMy dear Mr Bill, I love you and thank you for being in my life. Let me know when you want some veg soup.
ReplyDeleteMy arms are around you and Jackie
Carrie Sue