Well, I guess we are coming out of holding pattern. The plane is landing. Specialist's nurse called today to schedule me for decision making on Tuesday. Sounds like we are going with a chemo drug called Tarceva aka Erlotinib. It's a pill form taken once per day. Tarceva is approved for lung and pancreatic, but is still being tested for papillary kidney cancer.
At this point I will just be glad to get it going, see how the side effects are, and see how well it works. But first, Jacki and I are going next weekend for a much needed break, away to a friend's cabin in the woods. Thank you C.
I am a bit numb and not very in touch with what I feel. Grief maybe? Losing my livelihood. Losing conversations I used to have that were not "organ recitals". Losing any last remnants of the delusion that I am invulnerable and super duper. My life has dramatically changed and I miss the previous chapter. Missing and loss- I think that is grief. Let's see what Daniel W. says,
GRIEF:
"a: deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement b: a cause of such suffering
synonyms: see sorrow
Yup, cancer is giving me grief! I can sure relate to distress and sorrow seems closely related to sad, which I feel some of multiple times a day. That's what tears are for and I have shed 'em plenty. Talking and writing about the sad and trying to see the grief helps too. Thanks for listening.
Now, I have two requests:
1. Do not look at me nor think of me as dying. That's not what I am doing - dying. I choose to live.
2. God gave me (and you) an imagination, and I want us all to use it to heal, not just me, but ourselves and our loved ones. I want you to pray, you bet. But I also want you to imagine whatever it is that God sends or gives to heal. My imagining is a blue sparkly ball of light that swirls counter clockwise around me, up and down me and through me. It comes from on high and is my personal imaging of the healing coming my way from my awesome God. If you can imagine (using that God given gift), please believe your prayer is working and see that blue sparkling swirl of light. Thank you for sending me some of your imagined healing!
Bill
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Hurray! The holding pattern is over! Let the fight begin! How wonderful that you and Jacki can get-away before it all gets started.
ReplyDeleteI share your grief, missing times where cancer wasn't the center of our focus, when living life was all we had to do. I grieve for the pain and hard times you have ahead.
I think when we finally get you through this, life will be so much richer with a true appreciation for what we have.
I love you Bill! Gina
Good! Jackie can put some sugar on the medicine to get it down. Have a great time at the cabin!! Love Bob
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