Friends

I read somewhere once (therefore it must be true) that men in America have at most two close friends. There was a time in my life when I thought I had three. My definition of close has changed. I often feel the same as back then - I do not fit in, I am different, I am the only one, I am less than. Most of you know that alien feeling. The difference for me today is that because I am able to talk about such feelings and all they bring to the show, I now know none of those feelings are true. Instead I am similar to you and all of us feel those things at times. None of are so different inside no matter the layers of wall.

The people I am able to talk and listen to about those feelings of difference and less than are my friends today. We see what is inside each other and still want to continue being friends. Through thick and thin and often through hurting each other. We are human and to require only pleasant exchange is unrealistic and sets each other up for failure in friendship. Nobody can measure up.

I am not alone in this thing we call life. I have 4 or 5 very closely connected friends. What a gift. Many others understand me when I tell what it is like for me, and I understand what it is like for them. The bond among us is a great treasure. Some have called addiction the disease of relationships because we focus so much on our differences and forget our vast similarities. However, addicts have no corner that dysfunctional delusional dilemma. If I insist only on my difference and you insist only on your difference, then letting each other know we relate to each other is nigh on impossible. We wind up in a very dark place called alone.

The connecting with others path I have been and remain on is an inclusive spiritual path focused on similarities. I think of it as a deep knowing that ALL of us are Children born of whatever God is. We are twins, separated at birth. Listen, tell the truth, breath and touch - relationship skills so simple but so fearsome.

We humans (men in particular?) - shy from those skills obsessively and stay apart from, remaining locker room superficial. We cannot listen because we cannot tell anything real like the truth of what is inside. We cannot breath because we are on guard and our breath is tight. We cannot hug, because what? That might mean we are something we lifelong fear we might be?

Learning I have cancer has kicked me into a new life chapter. I still can tell what is really going on and face scrutiny (pulling my covers) from old friends and some new. God uses them to hold me close and feel connected; I am not alone. What a gift. What grace!
Bill