Belief

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law,
but the operation of a higher law.
I prefer to believe that the doctors and chemo assist the miracle. It's gonna take a miracle to whup this cancer. It is a miracle that has years to develop and happen. It may come in the form of a medical advance. My doc says there may be a trial coming of a MET inhibitor that compliments the drug I started on Tuesday. We could catch my cancer in a cross fire.

My God uses people to instigate and manifest miracles. Who am I to say what form that may take. My best understanding is that I must cooperate with the work of my higher power who creatively writes higher law. Might even uses natural law as a spring board.

Today was the 2nd day taking the innocent looking little white pill. One a day, every day; see the doc every other week. The only apparent side effects so far are a very dry mouth with a metallic taste, and drowsiness for about 2 hours after taking it. I don't feel safe driving. Sat in a meeting today with some concern that I would seem "on a nod".

Daughter Kate said yesterday, "don't manifest the side effects."
I agree that dwelling on the possibilities can sort of attract the symptoms. My body does speak to me and I notice little changes. What is real, and what is just in my head? I have no magic answer to that question. I do know from my own experience that when I move a muscle I get another feeling. Action effects how I feel, so staying busy, active, involved all help get me out of my own head where every little thing might be a symptom. Action frees me from my own head. If I have a significant side effect, it will have to bang loudly on my door.

There I am, trying to see the bright side, the empowering side. And, I also get stuck in the obsessive part, the "worry is like praying for something you don't want to happen." I get mixed messages (probably from me) about whether it is okay to think certain thoughts, or feel certain ways. I am self centered enough to primarily think about me. My case is worse/more important than others. Tears threaten to fall over so many little things, but the thought quickly following is "yeah but, its not that important!" I have cancer so I am supposed to have this new perspective about what's really important. But the truth is, I mostly think it is my stuff that is important, not yours. I have moments (quite a few actually) of compassion for others, but even right now writing this, my head says "but not enough moments".

For years now, I have tried to banish words like should, supposed to, ought to - those words are judgmental of myself and most of us use them way too much. Turns out that cancer brings out a bunch of old habits, thoughts, resentments. So, it's not all peachy here in my skin. But a good friend says I can start my day over repeatedly by saying "TA DAAAA". Kind of silly, but it works.
Bill