Cloudy

It has been very difficult to write recently. My brain seems cloudy. I am out of touch with what is going on inside me - how I feel. My body is tense, jaw is clenched, neck is knotted, legs remain "at the ready" and my brow furrows. Meditation is virtually non existent and prayer feels disconnected. Depression hangs on me more than anytime since this process started in early January. What is up?

Monday is one month of taking the little white pill (chemo is my friend). The pill basically is poison hopefully directed mostly at the nodules in my lungs and the baseball on my kidney. I know it also effects my skin (the rash/acne), my brain and my energy. Slogging through mud describes part of each day.

I write that stuff and my head goes immediately to self pity and moping and self centeredness. "they" will think I am whining. The truth is that I go there each day, multiple times, but not all the time. I also spend some time in gratitude, empathy and compassion for others. The two ends of my emotional spectrum revolve moment to moment.

Topic at the meeting last night was self honesty. Someone shared about being afraid of looking bad and I can sure relate. But then I had another thought. If I risk looking bad with many of you then I do not look bad, I look like you. We are similar. This cancer crap would be tough for any of you as well as me. I am not alone and I am not different. It is my business how I feel and it is my responsibility to try and get it out in the open - talk and write and pray. I can lean into it by leaning toward positive, gratitude and spiritual connection. I can tell the truth. Except when this dam* drug has me so balled up that I cannot recognize what I fell or even think. That's where you guys come in - the mirrors to help me see. I love you too!
Bill