Look in the mirror

Looking at pictures of myself, from the convention, from recent family gatherings, I see a guy with a pale face and a red nose. I think I look worse than I feel, and my vanity kicks in. Pictures of me have looked odd to me for a couple of years. My face is rounder, my teeth are more crooked, my belly is bigger. My self image, my physical self, is low right now, as I write. Intellectually I know it is from the pill, from cancer, from getting older, from the hard life I have lived. "If I had known I would live this long I would have taken better care of me."

And then there is the mirror. Not the one I examine myself and practice making faces in, but the mirror that you are. You who see me and hear me and tell me what you see. "You look good!" is a frequent comment. But more revealing is like Linda's comment from my last post. "I love you", "I like being with you", the smiles reflected back at me, your phone calls, texts and emails. Maybe most of all, the hugs, tell me a different story than when I see pictures of the pale face with the red nose. I know I am not alone seeing the worst in me but having the best reflected back at me. You are that mirror. Thank you!

I had the catscan last Tuesday, but I won't go over the results with the doc until Thursday the 4th. Sure seems a long wait. The doc is out Monday and Thu is the next day Jacki can schedule to go with me. Too many what ifs and yes buts and how abouts run in my head when I let the faucet of my thoughts start running down that trough.

Jacki has a friend whose husband has the same exact kind of cancer - papillary renal carcinoma. Mine is metastasized (into my lungs) but his is not. I use the present tense about him, but the thing is, he died a couple days ago. After 5 1/2 years of life post diagnosis. That is longer than any of the doctors have suggested to me, and so it is in a way good news for my case. But it sure brings it home to me about where I stand. Easy it is to turn to a slippery slope of despair and forget about cures and miracles and maybe responding well to the poisonous little white pill I take every day.

Friday and today I got to play chef for to different segments of my family. Best steaks I ever grilled were the ribeyes on Friday, and the burgers today were pretty good. My sister Gina is still here, until Tuesday. Movie and hanging all afternoon with Kate and Jacki and Gina Sat afternoon. Today the contagious laughter of little kids and shared stories and smiles with the adults. A couple sponsees did step work with me, and a few guys were over last Thu. Calls from some of them every day. This is my life. It is rich in relationships with people I get to say to and hear from, "I love you!" Mine is to feel incredibly profound gratitude for the fullness of life I am privileged to experience right here and right now. Thank you.
Bill