Scheduling

All through this process since initial contact with the NIH, tomorrow has meant "at some future date" usually within a few days. A few weeks ago when I was there and had the biopsy, I was told I would hear results in a week. Turned out to be 11 days. Now, las Tuesday I was told the schedule for my trip to Bethesda would be ready by Friday. 2 days ago. Dare I hope for tomorrow? Hope.

A meeting topic a couple days ago was hope. We drew tickets to determine who shares next (that way God is in charge?). It was slow sharing. Those in the room, recovering drug addicts all, seemed to have very little to say on the topic. A few with drawn tickets passed. Some tickets drawn went unacknowledged. Those who talked had pretty short shares. We who by any earthly definition of fair would be long dead, instead sitting in a room of similar survivors with little to say about hope.

I have for all my adult life had something to say about most anything. But I do remember stumbling on sharing my experience of hope. Using an active sense of the word, "hoping" might be easier to talk about. My handiest dictionary gives one meaning of "hoping" as "go for, plan, be after". Next time the topic is hope I think I will talk about hoping - I know some about go for it and get after it!

Back to present feeling of impatience mixed with fear, resentment, judging - the usual suspects. I hoped last week for schedule done by Friday as she said. Instead the weekend has been too much of the disappointed let down words. Speaking well of myself I have also mixed in patience, understanding, compassion with the other less appealing attitudinal shortcomings. If I want to have a good day it helps to start by lowering my expectations of others.

So, I hope to "get after" scheduling and maybe packing my bags on the morrow. When I do go the action plan is to get scans - CT, brain, PET, cardio, little toe and other assorted pokings and proddings. All to establish a baseline of my physical self to begin my little part of this scientific research project on how to cure papillary renal cell carcinoma metastasized into my lungs. At the least I can be of service to the next guy, and I HOPE it works for me.
Bill