Two deaths, one suicide by gun and the other by drug overdose (suicide?)have happened close around my space in life in the past 10 days. The first was the son of a sponsee. The second was a guy, about 30, father of a baby and married to a recently clean again member of our 12 step program. I sponsored him 5 or 6 yrs ago. Both of these events hit me hard, the 2nd like a brick wall falling.
He died in the morning and last night his wife was there, at the Friday night meeting, overwhelmed with incomprehensible grief, but surrounded by many of us who love her. Feeling like a protective father (grand father?), welling up inside me were anger, sadness, fear and gratitude - near simultaneously. Anger at the disease of addiction and the addict who refused to be pulled away from its grip. Sad because another one of us was killed by this disease that claims it isn't even a disease. Scared because it could happen to me or those closest to me. And lastly, gratitude that it was not me.
This morning I allowed myself to acknowledge that I am also pissed at those two guys who frivolously discarded that which is so precious to me. How could the MF's throw away what cancer is stealing away from me and so many others? How could they devastate so many people in their lives? I am angry, and I don't even want to find empathy, compassion nor forgiveness. Not yet! Maybe someday.
In present day United States of America, yearly suicides outnumber homicides.
Maybe I have not told you yet that my trip to Bethesda for in depth evaluation and study, has been pushed back into late April or early May. I want it RIGHT NOW!
Did I mention that I am angry about 2 deaths in 10 days?
Bill
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Bill, I am so grateful that you were able to break the hold your addiction had on you and, with the help of your extended support group, have stayed clean. I am so glad that you are here to fight for your life and share it with me and the many others who love you and need you. SLY, Gina
ReplyDeleteI am here and appreciate your posting. Sorry the trip got pushed. So much powerlessness. Somehow, when we stay close to the program, the heart keeps softening. Love you Bill.
ReplyDeleteI check here every day to read your thoughts and feelings. You put into words what I feel and think so much better than I can. Thank you for being the voice of so many that can not express how they feel. When do you leave for your trip? Thank you for being part of my recovery. I love you, Alice
ReplyDeleteyup, anger...hell yah!
ReplyDeleteLove it that I got the news from you both times. Grateful you keep NA abreast of the important stuff so we can rally.
Love it that Gary and I are consistent on our responses, miss the hell out of him!
Was rafting a river this last weekend and realizing that I am only as good as my relations...
I love our relation Bill and Jackie. I love you both. You too Gary. Who knew I had so much room for so much love within. Amazing when we clean all that other crap out.
namaste'
Anger? Really? lol.
ReplyDeleteI know that when people in my life are no longer with me I am at first angry, then sad, the I feel guilty because I was angry that they are gone, then angry and sad again.
Eventually I reach acceptance that there was nothing I could have done any better. I also have a rather unique view of death that other people think is nuts but it works for me. It allows me to get past the grieving.
This is why at the end of every conversation whether on the phone or in person, I always tell the person I love them. That way if I never see them again I know that they knew I loved them.
I love you Bill, Jackie and Linda.