Big deals

I am less sure than ever what defines a big deal. On a one to hundred scale, what in life is in the upper 25?

16 years in 12 step recovery has always told me being clean is numero uno because if I am clean then I have a chance to deal with everything else. One of my favorite t-shirts said "Don't sweat the small stuff" and the back said, "It's all small stuff." Maybe the thing about being clean is big, and the saying it's all small stuff, are helpful to put things into perspective. However, it seems to me that experiences and events that comprise a big deal are sprinkled and or dumped or result numerous times in each of our lives.

My daughter's birth was huge and subsequent growth stages have been big. My marriage to Jacki certainly dwarfs those previous. My day to day life with her is cumulatively big. My first kiss in 8th grade; starting 5 in Jr High basketball, and getting cut from the team 2 years later. All big deals to me.

My Dad's death 17 years ago was devastatingly large even though numbed by drugs. My Mom's near death bouts with lymphoma have been hugely tortuous. My sister's death for me was a deeply felt loss of an integral part of my being - she was special! Me getting clean indeed was and is a BIG deal. My cancer has so far had the most success at stealing my quality of life. Those are big to me.

Big to all of you has varying examples and events, some painful and some happy. Losing a home for your family is at least "BIG". You have just as many adjectives to communicate "big" as I do - big, large, huge, dwarfs, devastating, tortuous, peak, high point, low point - our language falls short of accuracy. Even our compassion can fall short as mine has done this very day. My friend's youngest son committed suicide yesterday. Gun to his head in his room.

That is a big deal.

I have a tendency to minimize or maximize or even dismiss your pain or happiness. "My case is worse or better than your case". I can judge and assess the worth and impact of your happiness or sadness, your joy or pain. How quickly I can dismiss or forget your hurt even as I defend or even wallow in my own right to be noticed, remembered and sympathized. My happiness is huge and you should agree even as I ignore yours. In recovery we call that self centered. At any given moment, chances are I am thinking about me and I am thinking my stuff is a bigger deal than yours.

In my better moments, I remember that I am "Bill Banana, One of the Bunch". We are all connected, what touches me touches you. At my best I notice life - yours and mine, the pain and joy, the hurt and comfort, the effort and accomplishment. Pain is pain and joy is joy and I do not to place a score by yours nor mine. Seems to me that when I notice and acknowledge and feel your life, seeing the similarities not the differences, feeling in me what life is to you, then I am acting love. Acting Love. Acting, not just saying. It is what I say I want. I need your example and help from my God to act that way and I seek more.

With love I see my friend, who lost her son today, and my big deals pale. I see you, I notice your life, and give you my love and my prayers.
Bill