The question and its variants are still difficult to answer. 1st of all, thank you for asking. When you ask, I must ask myself a couple questions.
1.Do you really want to know and if so, how much info do you want.
2.Do I want to tell you and if so how much? I am aware of minutiae but it seems self indulgent to go there and so I don't.
I said above, 1st of all thank you for asking. However sometimes I am so wrapped up in my stuff that I don't even notice or remember to ask about you, little or small stuff. I think about it later and regret not asking about you and yours. Sometimes it seems almost inappropriate when you ask me about my routine regimen of cancer chemo.
Today I attended the marriage of one of my dearest friends, a man I respect, admire and love. I wanted to talk about the event, the man, the woman and the joy of watching and participating. They actively love each other and being there was an experience to treasure and an experience out of my self ... And then I'd be asked the question.
A few days ago, my friend's son committed suicide. In some small way I have been helpful. I have not asked, "How are you doing." "Talk to me" seems to help. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, was helpful once or twice. I'd like to know how you have gotten through today, is a pretty good support statement. Being there for someone so close, at least in my thoughts, prayers and heart to me means actively reaching out and listening for their pain, suffering, stunned hours. Closing my eyes on the phone helps me listen better.
The suicide and the marriage - in a way side by side in my collection of moments. Both huge for them and for me taking me out of my own head . . . away from cancer. My cancer pales. And then someone asks . . . the question. Perhaps Sometimes I may be doing you a favor by forgetting to ask "How are you doing?", allowing you to, for a few more moments be something other self centered. Instead thinking about someone else' pain or joy or big moment in their life. I think then there is room for compassion.
And, I am glad you asked.
Bill
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ReplyDeleteSo.... How ARE you doing??
ReplyDeleteSorry but you set me up for that. Besides nobody except the 焦唐馬朵 guy responded. Curious as to what she/he/they posted that was deleted... but I digress.
When I am going through hard or painful times in my life and someone asks me that question, I figure they better want to know or not ask me.
I give them the full response... minutiae and all. If they are still paying attention to me instead of glancing around like a rabbit in a field of coyotes, I feel they really DID want to know.
The response I get determines how I answer the question the next time... if they even ask.
I certainly hope that you are doing as well as you are capable of at this moment.
Love,
Gary Eeeeeeeeeeeeee
For me:
ReplyDeleteHow are you became my most unfavorable question during my tragic times in this new life, still is. I'd rather someone say something like it's nice to see you, what are you up to, etc? Believe me, we hang long enough, I'll end up telling you how I am...for real, for real. My 2 cents.
Thank you for sharing your perspective...my brother from another mother