Push through?

Today I'm gonna find out if I can push through my late morning dip in alertness/energy without getting horizontal for a little while, and through the post little white pill 2 - 4 hour "hinky" period. I have people coming over for BBQ and later a speaker meeting in West Valley. The prep stuff this morning has me running low and so I'm taking a break. When Jacki and I have people over I tend to run around doing whatever it takes to make it exceptionally good for all. Maybe it's possible to let our guests help, like another person can probably do the actual cooking just fine.

A BBQ just does not seem like the big deal my head thinks it is. I am wound up at this moment over something that really is just a gathering of friends. People who just want time, not a magnificent array of gastronomical delights. I snapped at Jacki this morning. I know it was due to me being wound up. I fretted over this last evening, fearing that the little white pill would prevent me from doing it right. Will I be tired and not be a good speaker this evening because I tried to do too much? I am more limited than I used to be but I really don't know how much. But really now, what does it matter. God's in charge and it's all okay.

I learned early in recovery that I have an MMM - Magnificent Magnifying Mind. It is good at blowing things out of proportion; making molehills into mountains; causing me to sweat the small stuff; giving me the delusion that I have to handle something huge. By myself.

Take cancer for example. Sometimes my mind can make just as big a deal out of a BBQ as it does cancer. Truth is, even my cancer pales in relation to all the rest of my previous life and in relation to all the living I still get to do. But fear pops up. Something as tiny as not doing a BBQ correctly can trigger my fear button - fear that I will look less than and others will see I am not perfect. That fear then sets me up to act on shortcomings like getting snappy with Jacki.

The cancer triggers fear that I will lose this sweet life I enjoy. The fear alone takes away from that life. The fear assumes that all the good stuff is over. And then I think I have to stand up to it, again by myself, and be the perfect seeking to survive cancer patient. People will think less of me if I do not survive.

My head can get on such merry go rounds and wind them up tight enough to go beyond my usual amusing speed of spin. To do so I have to step into fear, assume I am alone, know that I am not enough to push on through and not connect with my God and all of you standing beside me holding each other up. And of course I have to magnify and sweat the small sh*t. Instead, just for today maybe I will just enjoy the afternoon and evening, trusting God will get it done even without much help from me. Whew, what a load off my back. Jacki will be home shortly and I get to set it right with her for the bit of harm from my snap.
Bill