During

I do not think I have blogged during my afternoon twilight zone funky period. Everyday I take the chemo pill and a few minutes later the effects start coming on. At this moment I am 40 minutes in so this is prime "peak" time.

Phone call, so now it is about 55 minutes in. The call ended 10 min ago but I forgot. My fingers don't want to type - they are slower than usual. My eyes feel like when you pull back on the skin around them wondering what you would look like with plastic surgery.. I wobbled when I got out of my chair a bit ago. It is not a good time to go upstairs and for sure I must not drive. My hand keeps going to my forehead to press firmly and push backward. It feels a little good to press and push back, but more it is more like necessary. In a few minutes I will need to get horizontal for awhile. I may or may not sleep, but horizontal is required.

That will take me about 2 or 2 1/2 hrs into it and then it is a gradual process of these minor symptoms decreasing over the next two hours so by about 5 p,m I will be able to drive, converse well and be ready to be active. Today I am transplanting some flowers and cacti.

Meanwhile our home is a wreck with stuff moved and stacked to clear our office for laying tile after the carpet damage. The tile was delivered today and I have help coming in the morning to put sealer on the tiles before laying tile on Saturday.

Last night I was at a men's recovery meeting. Several new guys shared "from the heart" about the huge mess they are in, which is fine, they need to get it out. We can all identify with making a mess of our lives. Many meetings go like that - new guys, then some more experienced guys maybe talking about problems but then solutions other than getting loaded or saying f**k this and running like we always did. Instead another new guy shared and went on and on. About ten minutes of pointless spewing about nothing specific. I kept waiting for someone to politely ask him to stop, "Your time is up."

We talk about sharing the message not the mess. I personally felt taken hostage. Other guys chance to share dwindled. So, finally, I spoke resectfully as I could asking him to, "stop, your time is up" I am known to do that, and I always wonder why me? Do other members really want to let someone go on and on about their mess? We ask at beginning of every meeting to "Please limit your sharing to 3 to 5 minutes." Do we not mean that? Are we still afraid to speak up for ourselves?

One of the very impressive aspects of a meeting for me has always been a subjective feeling seemingly "in the air". As I have studied our literature over the years, I have noticed a phraes in our books mentioned I think 12 times: "Atmosphere of Recovery." That is a treasure to me in my recovery. It is the respect of one addict sharing and all others in the room listening. It is the "sharing the time" of sharing so that most if not all in the room have a chance to talk and be listened to. Addicts just do not do that. Most often we are busy thinking about ourselves and listening to the chatter in our own heads.

That is a big why for having our meetings - most of an hour out of own heads and maybe hearing the message of how to stay clean and find a new way to live.

There, it is almost two hours since taking the pill, and I functioned well enough to write the above. Thanks for stepping out of your own head long enough to read. You ever step out of your own head and watch yourself think? It can be quite entertaining. Smile!
Bill