Something to say?

Maybe. At home a couple days ago, on the internet I found a drug trial going on for just my kind of cancer, Papillary Renal metastasized carcinoma. The drug being tested is the kind (a Met inhibitor) that might work in conjunction with my Tarceva. It is being done by GSK at several locations around the country, and the web site said they are recruiting new patients, even if they are already using another drug, like me. So I used my headhunter skills and dug around enough to get the doctor leading the study on the phone. I now have her direct line. But study is now closed - no more new patients. I think it must be hugely difficult to have to tell sick people that kind of news.

Clunk!! I was taken aback by how hopeful I got in just that hour or so following that trail. I felt angry, sad, scared, shed a few tears . . . and breathed. I was cordial and grateful to that doctor. She did tell me that with some current growth of my cancer, I would have a shot at a "compassionate usage" exception from the drug company. My cancer is not growing right now so for sure I am not eligible to even be considered. The doc said I need to give the Tarceva the full run as long as it works. Still, the "clunk" was up side of my head.

The minor but multiple side effects of Tarceva seem to be becoming more than minor. The hours of feeling good each day seem to be decreasing. The acne-like stuff on my face and chest is worse than before. Let's think of it as dead cancer cells oozing out. Instead of too tired by 9 or 10pm, it is sliding toward 8. My left nostril has dried blood each morning, and begins to bleed again if I blow too hard or dig out the clot. TMI?

Once again I have been sliding toward isolation, no meeting since last Friday for example. Couple days did not even leave the house. I tend to forget my plan for today because I did not write it down. I think to write it down but forget before getting to a pen.

This all adds up to a persistent wearing on me physically, emotionally. More positive is that Jacki and I are praying together each morning. Jacki has suggested taking a couple days break from the little white pill and that probably is a good idea. The thought triggers the fear that such a break would give the cancer a jump start. Ask my doc.

Writing all this is turning the tide in my internal battle to go for a bike ride. I had nearly talked myself out of it but I'm going now! Thanks for writing.
Bill