pledge no more soap boxes

Okay so yesterday I got carried away with a somewhat controversial blog. I do stand by my two fundamental questions - I wrote my Senators asking these questions re health care reform: Will we all have the same plan you do? If not, why not?

I am writing my 4th step. A deeper version than those previous, this one approaches my inventory looking at my shortcomings and how they effect my life and those around me. For example when I act on impatience it puts down another person and pushes them away from me. Or, with impatience I can act impulsively and make poor decisions that detract from my well being and those close to me.

Cancer magnifies my tendency to act on my shortcomings. A good friend who really wants to know might ask me "how you feeling?" I can say great or fine when really I am feeling tired and down in the chops. I have then lied to someone I care about - again, distancing them from me. Sometimes the truthful answer might be"I don't know." Because I am often in some fear, anxiety or grieving, some little inconsequential thing might trigger a knee jerk reaction. Totally inappropriate and hurtful, I regret my reaction immediately. Let's call that shortcoming "snappish".

I am overly concerned with looking good. Not so much my physical appearance - well no, that is not true. I am very concerned with what you think about how I look. I am getting "moobs" (man boobs) and I pick clothing that hides them. I am older, I have cancer, I exercise less due to the tiredness side effect. You might think me weak or less a man. And I judge myself that way. For that matter, I judge you and most everyone that way. There is my judgmental shortcoming. Once again it pushes you away and pushes me down.

One shortcoming leaking out sideways tends to open the gates for a quick little rush of these critters I am calling shortcomings. All of these characteristics I try to hide and not let you know what is already obvious - I do act short, dishonest, judgmental, etc, etc.

In recovery, I have learned most if not all of these imperfections come from a place of fear. That I am less than, not enough. Fear that I will lose what I think I have or not get what I think I need. Conversely the solutions to those problems are variations of love: patience, acceptance, tolerance, kindness and compassion, etc, etc. Love is the opposite of fear and at any given moment I am either in fear or in love.

My tendency to write and focus so much on my imperfections is a shortcoming my sponsor pegged as "Talking bad to myself". I have been hard on myself for . . . well, as long as I can remember. It does not work very well. In order to focus on my negatives, I must practice arrogance - that I know better than God who created me perfectly and shows me how to align my will with his.

The God of my understanding will give me courage, patience, honesty, willingness and kindness to solve the tendency I have to act on my shortcomings. All I have to do is ask, and practice what he gives me in all my affairs. I have faith that is true.
Bill