"Don't need no Stinking medical care"

My father died at age 61 of a major heart attack. Just dropped dead, suddenly. After a long period of medical intervention for clogged arteries and such, he decided to go no more. No more doctors.

In the back of my head, for years, lurked that subliminal sense of inevitably becoming like my Dad. I had a sense that I too would die at around 61 of heart problems as did he and so many of my relatives. My Dad ate poorly, smoked 2+ packs a day, and exercised minimally. He was set up to have a heart attack, and then he refused to pursue the remedies available. A good family friend, at the same age and same health problem, had the procedures done, and lives to this day.

In my early 50's I stuck my head in the sand and would not seek preventive cardio evaluation. At a good friend's insistent urging I went to a specialist and had all the testing. Result was the doc telling me to "come back in a few years." I had taken no action because I did not want to hear possible bad news - I acted like my Dad did and shied from doctors.

Now, with cancer: I found out by accident and am still pursuing every medical action and suggestion. But I'll tell ya, I am really tired of seeing doctors. I am certain I have been to the doctor more this year than in my previous 56 years. I have had an ingrown toe nail for 3 months - home remedies have not kept it in abeyance. After sufficient suffering I finally saw the doc about my toe. "Don't want no more stinking doctor visits".

Two days from now I get my second CT scan in the 4 months of daily taking the little white chemo pill. Part of me does not want to go because I fear bad news going over the results with my doc a few days later. Like my Dad, I do not want to go. I do not want doctors messing with me. But I am going to do it anyway. More than wanting to skip the fear and discomfort, I want to live.

Out of fear, low self esteem, discomfort and did I mention fear, my Dad only ran the 99 yard dash for life. He died somehow not knowing or feeling the love from the hundreds who felt and expressed their loss when he left. I owe the difference between my Dad and I to my blood family, all you others who love me and to the life saving 12 step program of recovery so central to my life. My fear is far surpassed by the love and faith you and I exchange. I will suit up and show up with the doctors. My Dad never made it to where you have helped me travel. Let's keep going. Thank you!
Bill