Explain to myself

Hello kind readers. I am unable to explain to myself my lack of blogging for nearly a month. It has been a way for me to keep you informed and a way to get out what I feel about going through the cancer experience. My hunch is that most of you are not surprised at my difficulty doing the latter. Being able to recognize and express my emotions has been a quest of mine for near 30 years. I started from scratch and kicked into a higher gear when I stopped using drugs and began recovery. Recovery, a process of becoming the kind of man my dog (if I had a dog) thinks I am. Keeping it simple, I learned to look for 5 basic emotions: mad, sad, glad, scared and excited. 5 basic emotions of mine, no different than yours or King Tut's 4000 years ago.

Mad, sad and scared are the most difficult for me and are indeed what I feel most often about having cancer. I just do not get to live as I lived before. No work, no income, anger at being near debilitated 2 to 5 hours each day by the "medicine". For several reasons I have to take it around 1pm each day and then have to plan my activity around those few hours. The harassing multiple minor physical and mental symptoms are often overwhelming. Some days I just get so down about it all that activity just does not happen. Slogging through mud sums up those days and parts of other days. I feel scared mad and sad that this may be how my life will go for the duration. And then I feel guilty that I am not reaching out enough, eating right, exercising enough . . . praying enough.

I do not want you to know that is how my mind works, that I get so sad and mad and scared - or even sabotage myself. The "shoulds" and "ought tos" attack me. I can do intellectual accepting about this disease and discomfort. I can be compassionate about how this effects those close to me. I can feel profound gratitude for the great years I already have had and those still to come. I am relieved my symptoms are not as bad as that of many other people. But 'neath everything else is the mad sad and scared.

Anyway, I also feel love, giving and receiving, which is not even mentioned in those 5 basics.

My relationships with others have suffered in the past month as I have retreated some and isolated some. I am coming out of it slowly.

I am aware of some anxiety about how the little white pill is working. The 1st catscan to measure its effect was two months ago and I go a 3rd month before next catscan. My mind goes to the worst that could be happening, and then relaxes back into trust and faith. I KNOW deep down inside that all this will work out right, but still, lurking, is the fear and sadness and anger. I live with me.
Bill