Skype Over My Head

If I do not blog today, I do not get to Skype with my wife tonight. EXTORTION:"to gain especially by ingenuity or compelling argument". I love it when she extorts me, so here is today's blog.

Skype. I knew nothing of it until about year and a half ago. Then as I learned, I had a bright idea: "Maybe my 78 yr old mother might like this for her birthday". So I gave her a computer camera (webcam) and helped her get a simple online program called Skype. Now she can call anyone who also has a webcam and see each other as they talk. Let me tell ya, this is the best gift I have ever given to anybody. My whole family is visually connected even though hundreds or thousands of miles apart. It makes Mom's day to Skype - ah what the heck, it makes my day too.

So now, Jacki is away skiing for a week in Whistler, BC, Canada, with long time girlfriends. Don't tell her, but I was scared to have her leave. However my cancer effected day had gone, I always knew she was coming home and it would be alright. What am I going to do without her? At the same time, I knew she needs the break from cancer, from me, from work, and she needs the magical filling up experience of three long, long time friends hanging out together. I am thrilled she is gone!!!

There was some advance planning besides the actual logistics of her trip. Jacki, my daughter Kate, sponsees, family and friends have colluded to make sure I do not isolate, hibernate nor contemplate too much. Gatherings were arranged, appts arranged, phone calls arranged, drop-ins arranged, and yes, Skypes arranged. I am in the middle of it, but can you also feel the piles of love I am left to sit in here in Arizona? Gives me chills.

Physically I feel better than in several months. The horrendous energy sapping gagging vomiting cough that lingered three months has finally lifted. I get to re-cooperate and get stronger, clearing away the clouds enough to sort out what the medicine side-effects are. My energy level is slowly increasing. My body is healing and my outlook is a little brighter. It is hard to keep the chin up when the body is hacking and struggling to breathe.

So anyway, I go to Bethesda in two weeks for scans pokes and prods, evaluation and re-staging. If I see measurable significant shrinkage of the cancer nodules in my lungs, then I will continue with the current regimen. If no shrinkage? What price is too high? We shall see.

Kate comes over after work today - maybe shoot some pool (she is pretty good). Talk with a few of my guys. Best of all, I get to Skype with my wife tonight - hear her voice, see her smile, and let each other know it's alright and we are blessed. Pretty good gift this Skype thing, don't ya think?
Bill

Hungry, Angry, Tired

3 of the for biggies in H.A.L.T. Thank God I do not have to deal with lonely. My wife, daughter, family, are all here for me. My recovery sponsor has been through what I am going through. My sponsees - a couple have gone by the wayside, a couple I let go, a couple have really stepped up to being here for me. Two of them showed up and built from scratch a banister for the stairs to our master BR. Every time I go up or down I think of them and the pay it forward nature of how we get to live.

My sponsor rode my back early after diagnosis about my inability/unwillingness to ask for help or even say yes when help is offered. I have been exceptionally good at giving all these years, but receiving... ? He has helped me learn that if I cannot receive, then I have taken away your right to give. What goes around comes around. Kharma. Pay It Forward.

Some things I used to do I can no longer do. I cannot drive for roughly noon to 5:30 each day. I must ask for rides or to go in my stead. "Could you pick up a loaf of bread?" Readily asked of a family member or best friend, but to ask something so simple of someone further out in my circle? Well that is tougher. Yet every time I have done so it was a gift given freely and with a smile. Much as I have been taught to give. If I expect appreciation or anything in return then it is no longer a gift but rather a form of barter. It is no longer loving but trading; a good lesson for a marriage.

Update: well, I have felt angry, frustrated, hopeless more recently that is good for anyone around me. Only if I talk about it write about it are those emotions released healthily. When I stuff it (and I do all too often) it comes out sideways as depression or lashing out at others.

The protocol of drugs I am on has resulted in no growth, but those same drugs extract a heavy price. Fatigue, and pain when I do not honor that fatigue. I have a "mushy" easily distracted, wondering attention span brain every day in afternoons. That is why I do not drive in those hours. I once drove home from CostCo, a 5 mile drive I have made a hundred times before. I started home a little past when I must not drive: four wrong turns and near collision on left tun into our community. Bill! Do drive between 11:30am and 5:30pm. Period!!!

It is getting late (9ish) so I am going to cuddle with my wife and watch Bones or Castle. We have treasure relationship. This cancer is so very tough on Jacki, and me, so we hold on tight! Thanks
Bill