Hungry, Angry, Tired

3 of the for biggies in H.A.L.T. Thank God I do not have to deal with lonely. My wife, daughter, family, are all here for me. My recovery sponsor has been through what I am going through. My sponsees - a couple have gone by the wayside, a couple I let go, a couple have really stepped up to being here for me. Two of them showed up and built from scratch a banister for the stairs to our master BR. Every time I go up or down I think of them and the pay it forward nature of how we get to live.

My sponsor rode my back early after diagnosis about my inability/unwillingness to ask for help or even say yes when help is offered. I have been exceptionally good at giving all these years, but receiving... ? He has helped me learn that if I cannot receive, then I have taken away your right to give. What goes around comes around. Kharma. Pay It Forward.

Some things I used to do I can no longer do. I cannot drive for roughly noon to 5:30 each day. I must ask for rides or to go in my stead. "Could you pick up a loaf of bread?" Readily asked of a family member or best friend, but to ask something so simple of someone further out in my circle? Well that is tougher. Yet every time I have done so it was a gift given freely and with a smile. Much as I have been taught to give. If I expect appreciation or anything in return then it is no longer a gift but rather a form of barter. It is no longer loving but trading; a good lesson for a marriage.

Update: well, I have felt angry, frustrated, hopeless more recently that is good for anyone around me. Only if I talk about it write about it are those emotions released healthily. When I stuff it (and I do all too often) it comes out sideways as depression or lashing out at others.

The protocol of drugs I am on has resulted in no growth, but those same drugs extract a heavy price. Fatigue, and pain when I do not honor that fatigue. I have a "mushy" easily distracted, wondering attention span brain every day in afternoons. That is why I do not drive in those hours. I once drove home from CostCo, a 5 mile drive I have made a hundred times before. I started home a little past when I must not drive: four wrong turns and near collision on left tun into our community. Bill! Do drive between 11:30am and 5:30pm. Period!!!

It is getting late (9ish) so I am going to cuddle with my wife and watch Bones or Castle. We have treasure relationship. This cancer is so very tough on Jacki, and me, so we hold on tight! Thanks
Bill