Between trepid and intrepid

After using the word trepidation last blog, I had to use the dictionary. Trepidation is: "a nervous or fearful feeling of uncertain agitation". Trepid is: "timorous or fearful". Trepidant is "timid or trembling". So then of course, we have timorous, timorsome, and even timoroso. So it would be accurate to say . . . . a few days ago I had trepidation and looked trepid because I was trepidant. I could probably replace those words with timorous, timorsome and even timoroso, but they all left me wanting to go to Timor, because I was not tumor fighting intrepidly. Sometimes that is how my mind works - I have trouble following it myself.

Anyway, last Saturday, Sunday and into Monday, I felt pretty shaky about getting the new drugs drained into my arm on Tuesday. Somewhere in there however, I started talking and found the honest realization that I was scared sh*****s about what the drug Torisel would do to me. In my head I was already running out of TP, jumbled in the brain, having heart attacks and drooling on myself. Is that called projecting? Fortunately I remembered about prayer, meditation and sharing with another human being. Oh yes, going to the Bob Dylan concert Monday night helped too.

So by Tuesday morning I felt okay about sitting in the infusion chair for an hour or so at 110:30am. Turns out it required 4 drugs and 3 1/2 hours. An antihistamine against allergic reaction, some sort of nausea prevention, the Avastin to help cut blood supply to tumors, and lastly the Torisel. Torisel is hopefully good at being a "targeted therapy" hitting the bulls-eye of poisoning only my tumors. Realistically it is probably more of a shotgun aimed in the direction of the tumors.

Now it is Friday, 3 days after the infusions. My throat is a little sore, and my voice is raspy (Avastin side effect) and maybe extra achy, but I call this a "10" compared to how I felt two months ago. Maybe the side effects of these drugs will gradually increase, but so far, so good. Maybe I can ride somewhere in between trepid and intrepid, trusting God and talking with you. Thanks.
Bill