Bicycle

I rode my bike this morning!!! That may sound like nbd to most people, but this my first ride in over two years. It was only about 1/2 mile, and took it easy - I will probably be sore tomorrow - I hope so! It will be a joyful sore because I rode my bike to get it. I just cannot convey in words how awesome it was to ride. Wow!

Before this little malady took me by the 'cajones' and shook out my balance, stamina and strength, I was riding 3 or 5 times a week, 6 - 12 miles each ride. When I stopped smoking 5 years, 3 months, 21 days, 16 hours and 31 minutes ago (who's counting?) I started riding and going to the gym soon after that and got into the best physical shape since my 30s. And then the big C began taking it away. Balance, weight loss, muscle loss, stamina, energy. Now, a month off any chemo, it begins to return.

I went to my home group last night for the first time is a couple months - 8pm meeting lasting to around 10 with hang time after, was just too late before. Last night I felt good well after getting home. 'Twas great getting the hugs and seeing my homies. Soon I go on some other drug, but maybe it won't take so much away. Regardless, I sure do appreciate the respite. In recovery we call this a pink cloud; it will pass, so enjoy every minute!

This is the best physically I have felt in a loooooong time, but between my ears I have office workers who keep telling me how empty the cups are. The news is all bad. Politicians suck and we are forgetting the poor and unfortunate. The singers on "The Voice" all suck. Drivers on the road with me all drive maniacally or too slow. My belly is too big and I have jowls. You don't do things right and you really need to listen to me.

So what's really going on? I know the current feel goods are from going off chemo and I am already projecting, with some previously denied dread, the re-occurrence of previous symptoms. I have felt overwhelmed with searching drug trials, getting medicare set up, fretting about future medical expenses. Setting up my Medicare involves picking an insurance company that contracts with Medicare. Maybe you already know how I feel about scumbag insurance companies. (Oops, did I say that out loud?) What drug will best treat my cancer, and will my insurance cover it? Even the method of chemo delivery, injection or pill form, effects the cost and what percentage insurance will pay. Should I go on typeX chemo or typeY chemo? Gee, which will insurance approve of the most?

So, what to do about the currently pervasive half empty cup attitude between my ears? What a silly question! I already know what to do. Knowing by itself does me absolutely no good. Doesn't do anything at all other than give me one more way to evaluate myself harshly for not doing what I "should" do. Without action, knowing accomplishes nothing. So, get the prayer and meditation going. Get to another meeting. Ask for help. Tell the truth to just one more person willing to listen. Good grief, it even helps telling the truth to one more person who doesn't listen. Reach out and help just one more fellow human being. Give another hug. Trust God, clean house and do the next right thing. Just for today I will put into action what I already know to do. Maybe even get on that bike again.
Bill