Gentler

Two questions I have learned to ask are, "How long have you been hard on yourself?" and following the answer, "How is that working?" Must I forever feel not enough and lacking what it takes to be okay? My yardstick used to be measurements of money, house, pool, car, horses and prestige. I could drive a beautiful car, see someone drive a better car and feel less than. I required perfecting of myself - perfection, number 1, best in class, etc. The truth is, I still would not recognize perfection if it walked right in front of me. By requiring perfection I never measure up, I am never enough. I must arrogantly disagree with my God who created as he saw fit. When I complain about me, I am complaining about God's handiwork; I am saying I know better than God.

So, most of my life I have been far too hard on myself and some rather bizarre behaviors resulted from feeling not enough. Today I can be gentler with myself and use a different yardstick, one using spiritual assets instead of things.

I responded to a friend today, and found what I was being gentle with myself while writing. Absent is my too often used negative self talk. I spoke not hard on myself but rather speaking good of myself. It is not bragging nor conceited but rather toward where God has pulled me.

Sometimes today I can be gentle with myself. Still what I wrote back to my friend Lee was difficult to write and required tears. Here it is:

Thank you Lee, for the kind words and encouragement. You had an impact on me as well! As you put it, “No bullshit!!” (;-)

The woman thing: my experience over the years has been to change enough on the insides (in my case by doing the full NA deal) to become the kind of guy, the woman I was lookin’ for, was lookin’ for.

Tithing: for me is “I can’t keep what I have unless I give it away.” I have given much money away. But it not just money. A book that many find helpful is the Bible. In that book it says over 1300 times to help those less fortunate. One thousand, three hundred times. There are many ways to give as you know, and my hunch is you are way too conservative in weighing how much you do give and how much you could give. Do I really have anything better to do than give?

Popular? I do know that I am part of a huge community many of whom will not leave me alone. Now that is a Cadillac problem to have and I am blessed in many ways, including my health. If life was fair, I would literally have died near 17 years ago. Instead I have been given many wonderful years of fullness in life. Joy and happiness, sadness and grief, success and failure – all required to get me where I am today. I have the closeness I always wanted in my marriage with Jacki. My daughter is a woman I admire, and she comes to me first with some of life’s curveballs. With my family, both blood and recovery, I am able to receive what they give and I am able to give without measuring or keeping score.

Where I am today, is a man who knows it is better to be kind than to be right. I still fall far short of being the man I wanted to be, but I am and always have been a man who God made and loves. What more could I ask?
Bill