Chin up?

Sometimes it just won't lift up. Sometimes this cancer stuff grabs me by the cajones and drags me through all the emotions and thoughts that I do not want to feel nor acknowledge. I do not know if cancer is winning some kind of battle here or if the solution is taking so much away that I question the balance of value. The medication I take to find a solution for my peculiar type of cancer cell is removing me. Me. My self perception, my life activities, my physical abilities to do things as simple as walk.

My ability to interact with my loved ones and others so close to me is now so passive. I sit and hope someone will feel comfortable enough to come over and hug what to me feels like bones with a belly. Some who have not seen me is a while show a flicker of shock or maybe a flicker of sadness. Lately my stamina is good for maybe an hour or two before I have to - HAVE TO - get horizontal and just chill. Sometimes I just do not want to be seen like this.

Before I was diagnosed, back when I knew nothing of this thing growing inside, I was riding my bike avidly and in the best physical shape in a dozen years, maybe more. Jacki and I were social, I mean we had more people in our home for cookouts or whatever than our small place can hold. Often I was the lead cook although I needed help to flip omelets. My recovery was in full swing, not over doing it, but actively involved in service and sponsoring. My relationship with my wife was of the quality, fullness, love and closeness lifelong sought.

Loss. Grief. I miss my life as it was. Has cancer taken this away or is it the treatment? The tumors have grown slowly for near two years since detected. Were they not growing slowly before discovered? Have they grown more slowly with the thief we call treatment? Where would my life be if I were still in the dark about my cancer? What would my life be like if I had said no to the treatments? If I stopped treatment what pieces would I get back in quality of life?

Jacki reminds me that the small windows of activity are smaller for a few days after each infusion of the additional drug and the consequent blood pressure drugs. Even if she is not just making stuff up in trying to make me feel better, the damn windows are too small right now!!! I want some respite from the feeling of helplessness that has come the last few days. The "medicine" is ruling my life. Today it is even chairing the meeting of the characters in my head.

Some days or parts of days, my chin is not up. Faking it too often is stuffing that which gets pissed off when left in the dark. Some days are just like this. Fulling feeling the price I and my loved ones pay for treating what is horrible enough on its own. I am not backing out of the drug trial. I am not giving the cancer a straight shot to killing me. I can deal with the symptoms with the help of my God and those who love me and those who at best can only react with a flicker when they see me after a period of time. Even they help with their human emotion and bits of prayer.

At this moment I can find gratitude. but I do not want to write about that right now.

Next week Jacki and I go back to Bethesda and the National Cancer institute for a few days of tests, scans and measurements. The purpose of that trip is looking for the impact so far of two very powerful drugs on my metPRCC and then another infusion. Thanks for going along for the ride.

This one gets published raw, without review.
Bill