It has been so long that perhaps I have no readers left. Gets me back to "write for me". I still have cancer. It seems surreal that I still feel no symptoms of the disease. Plenty symptoms of the daily chemo pill. So much of my body hair has broken off, not fallen out, rather broken off leaving stubble like a 4 day growth of beard. Cuddling with Jacki requires cloth to skin because of the stubble. I really miss the skin to skin.
I had a terrible haircut 3 months ago - I'm talking worse than a blind monkey with a dull knife haircut. My hair grows so slowly now that only last week had it grown enough to be repaired. My fingernails have become slow growing too - no problem there, but they have also become thin, splitting, soft and brittle. Peeling almost. I can't pop a pop top without a utensil. Weird! I have to use strengthening fiber nail liquid.
I am having trouble figuring out how to make that stuff not shine. You know, like fingernail polish. I am thinking of just doing them black. Maybe I will try that for Halloween. Add some black lipstick, eyeliner, black leather and I can go Goth for trick or treating. I like the mini Snickers, just in case I knock on your door.
One of my medical people says hair, nails and other fast growing types of cells slow way down with chemo. Brain cells normally grow rapidly and their slow growth now might mean I am losing them quicker than I get new brain cells. Might explain chemo brain, huh? The good news is that cancer cells tend to grow fast too, and apparently, so far, they are slowed way down. Purt near stopped. Purt near?
If the whuppin' in "Whuppin' Cancer" can be a word, then so can the purt in "purt near stopped." If you didn't grow up in Kansas, then you might not know things like that. Just fillin' you in.
Bill
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
No new growth
Yesterday Jacki and I met with my Doc to go over the results of last week's CT scan. It gave us two sets of information:
1. From initial scan in January to first scan with this doctor in April, there was definite measurable growth.
2. Since beginning the Tarceva chemo pill there has been no measurable growth. This is what the Tarceva is supposed to do. No other drug is known to stop the growth. Even Tarceva sometimes only slows the growth, so I am quite happy with results of this CT scan
The Tarceva does extract a price. I am tired several hours each day. I have to get horizontal a couple hours most days. Decreased equilibrium occurs for a couple hours most days to the point that driving is not safe and I am very cautious with the stairs at home. Even when I feel good mornings and evenings, something in the picture takes away from my energy and mental acuity - i am slower.
My life is so different now than before diagnosis. I was aware of no symptoms before. The emotional price on me and those close in my life has been the greatest difficulty so far. Knowing I have a rare and near untreatable cancer kicks us in the teeth. The physical and mental price of the chemo is a great loss and requires more grieving than I could ever want. This sucks!
I am aware that today's blog has so far expressed no hope nor optimistic expressions of positive affirmation. This is how I feel at this moment and I need to get it out and on the table. I cry as I write. I have not prayed much today and I have not sought solace in meditation and communing with God. I am pissed off, resentful, sad and fearful. Again, at this moment.
Writing this has already helped. I can see joy and happiness, comfort and peace ahead. I do believe a cure will occur during the extended time the Tarceva works. Other drugs are being tested as we speak. I can feel hope and believe that God is here with me. Thank you for believing with me.
Bill
1. From initial scan in January to first scan with this doctor in April, there was definite measurable growth.
2. Since beginning the Tarceva chemo pill there has been no measurable growth. This is what the Tarceva is supposed to do. No other drug is known to stop the growth. Even Tarceva sometimes only slows the growth, so I am quite happy with results of this CT scan
The Tarceva does extract a price. I am tired several hours each day. I have to get horizontal a couple hours most days. Decreased equilibrium occurs for a couple hours most days to the point that driving is not safe and I am very cautious with the stairs at home. Even when I feel good mornings and evenings, something in the picture takes away from my energy and mental acuity - i am slower.
My life is so different now than before diagnosis. I was aware of no symptoms before. The emotional price on me and those close in my life has been the greatest difficulty so far. Knowing I have a rare and near untreatable cancer kicks us in the teeth. The physical and mental price of the chemo is a great loss and requires more grieving than I could ever want. This sucks!
I am aware that today's blog has so far expressed no hope nor optimistic expressions of positive affirmation. This is how I feel at this moment and I need to get it out and on the table. I cry as I write. I have not prayed much today and I have not sought solace in meditation and communing with God. I am pissed off, resentful, sad and fearful. Again, at this moment.
Writing this has already helped. I can see joy and happiness, comfort and peace ahead. I do believe a cure will occur during the extended time the Tarceva works. Other drugs are being tested as we speak. I can feel hope and believe that God is here with me. Thank you for believing with me.
Bill
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