Yesterday Jacki and I met with my Doc to go over the results of last week's CT scan. It gave us two sets of information:
1. From initial scan in January to first scan with this doctor in April, there was definite measurable growth.
2. Since beginning the Tarceva chemo pill there has been no measurable growth. This is what the Tarceva is supposed to do. No other drug is known to stop the growth. Even Tarceva sometimes only slows the growth, so I am quite happy with results of this CT scan
The Tarceva does extract a price. I am tired several hours each day. I have to get horizontal a couple hours most days. Decreased equilibrium occurs for a couple hours most days to the point that driving is not safe and I am very cautious with the stairs at home. Even when I feel good mornings and evenings, something in the picture takes away from my energy and mental acuity - i am slower.
My life is so different now than before diagnosis. I was aware of no symptoms before. The emotional price on me and those close in my life has been the greatest difficulty so far. Knowing I have a rare and near untreatable cancer kicks us in the teeth. The physical and mental price of the chemo is a great loss and requires more grieving than I could ever want. This sucks!
I am aware that today's blog has so far expressed no hope nor optimistic expressions of positive affirmation. This is how I feel at this moment and I need to get it out and on the table. I cry as I write. I have not prayed much today and I have not sought solace in meditation and communing with God. I am pissed off, resentful, sad and fearful. Again, at this moment.
Writing this has already helped. I can see joy and happiness, comfort and peace ahead. I do believe a cure will occur during the extended time the Tarceva works. Other drugs are being tested as we speak. I can feel hope and believe that God is here with me. Thank you for believing with me.
Bill
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I was at a midnight meeting last night where I heard someone share about something difficult in his life.
ReplyDeleteHe expressed exactly the thoughts you have here. When he did I thought of you and I got to experience those same feelings... pissed off, resentful, sad, and fearful.
Then my addiction piled on having my new car hit by a motorcycle, putting my dog & my companion for 11 years to sleep and then having my car hit AGAIN before I had it out of the body shop a full week!
Within the space of 5 minutes I went from happy, joyous and free to feeling worse than I have for several months. Now I was mad at the guy who shared!
At about that time someone I hadn't seen in awhile walked into the meeting (late) and the first thing he did was smile at me and walk over and hug me. It wasn't a majic moment that made those feelings disappear like steam on a warm night, but they did lessen significantly.
By the time the meeting was over and I had heard several more people speak, I was OK... not bubbling over with happiness, but the feelings had passed.
Bill you were the one that taught me that I have no control over my feelings, but if I am just willing to sit through them and not react I will be OK on the other side.
I love you and I am with you.
Hey Bill,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you aren't having such a good day. I bet things will turn around soon
I found your blog while searching for the best information on Cancer. I think your blog is very helpful and believe that you could reach even more people if you joined Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network (HBN). The HBN is comprised of over 2,600 of the web's best health writers and their content is read by over 6 million visitors a month at Wellsphere.com.
For more information about joining, please visit http://www.wellsphere.com/health-blogger or email me at hua [at] wellsphere [dot] com.
Best,
Hua
Director of Blogger Networks
souns like your experience is wanted by the masses....
ReplyDeleteJust dropping by to say....I love you!