Allow Me to Introduce My Selves

All these blogs since February and now I almost feel like I am coming out of the closet. There are three characters who do not like me and all three live between my ears. Don't get all excited now, these characters aren't Sybil spinoffs. Rather, they are a way of looking at what goes on in my head, conscious and unconscious, thinking and providing play by play narrative. Please allow me to introduce my selves.

Cancer Man: You all know I have cancer. Cancer Man does not believe I will survive this disease. He believes he knows what from and when I will die. He looks constantly for symptoms or pains or anything to prove it is probably getting worse.

Depression Man: Depression Man says I don't feel like doing anything today, let's just watch TV and sleep and isolate with the ringer off.

Addict Man: Addict Man says "Listen to the other two, they are right and you're not worth the trouble anyway. He says I am not enough, never have been enough and never will be, so go ahead and make things worse, it doesn't matter anyway. Go get something to eat. Obsess on computer games. Sabotage any good thing going on in my life.

None of these characters really wants me to die because then their game would be up. And so, they compare notes. They connive, sneak, baffle and snicker. When desperate, they all pile on at the same time, kicking when I am down. They want me miserable, giving in to cancer, depression and addiction. I do have all 3 maladies, and so those three characters do live with me - they are part of me.

So, what can I do? I can talk back to them. I can say, "Shut the f**k up and sit back down, and I mean that in a loving way." They are part of me and I love me, so I like to think of them as newcomers at a 12 step meeting. They can be disruptive, but I do not have to let the chair the meeting. I love newcomers, they can be members, but they will not be allowed to take my recovery away from me! I do not have to succumb to addiction, depression nor cancer.

Any recover program, for whatever malady, requires action. Go to meetings, write, exercise, eat well, open up in my relationships with wife, daughter, friends and family. Take my physician prescribed medicine. Get some sunlight every day. Pray, meditate and ask for help.

The truth is, and maybe this is the real point of this posting, is that I have not been doing my action program to the best of my ability. It's kind of like someone quitting smoking and sneaking cigarettes. I have a plan, I do well at it for a few days, my intentions remain good, but the actual doing part goes downhill. then I close off from you because I don't want you to know that I am off plan. I stop telling the truth, asking for help, cut back on prayer isolate more and obsess on food, TV and/or video games. Completing the downward spiral, then I get to feel like a lousy participant in healing.

I will write again tomorrow and tell you what action I have taken since this post. And to the group in my head, "Let's let God chair the meeting!"
Bill