Strikes to my Heart

Not real sure what that title means, but it seems a place to start this post. Much has been running around inside my head about this cancer - some of it is good stuff and the most is just befuddling. I went off the Torisel about 4 weeks ago. I got a canker sore two days after starting that med and 5 weeks later I still had the first and 5 more. I had never had a canker sore before, at least not in my mouth, under my tongue and back of my cheeks. I had difficulty swallowing, talking, eating, drinking, sleeping. All of that produced difficulty thinking.

So, as of this moment I have been off all cancer medication for 4 weeks. A couple days ago I met with a doc at T-Gen and I might be able to get on a C-Met inhibitor trial right here is Scottsdale. I would be the first human on the drug. I guess it worked well on rats and pre-human primates, so maybe on me too. However, that Doc led me to think I would hear from them today. It is 1pm and I feel like a teenager waiting by the phone for a girl to call me back. I am not bashful so I will call them shortly. These research doctors are not the warm and fuzzy types, considerate of patients (subjects) emotions.

Most of my adult life I have been more than willing to make a verbal stand on whatever "injustice" I perceive in front of me. At worst that has come out as verbal bullets and blades spewed at the current target, worst of all at a wife. I am "tough", but she hurt my feelings. It could be directed insanely at a fellow driver on the road who I knee-jerk think has done me wrong. I remain an expert at verbally, and subtly yet still slicing others when they are not present. We have a word for that, ummmmm, oh yeah, gossip.

Thankfully the edges of those negatives have worn smoother as I have grown in recovery, aged, and hopefully gained wisdom from the pain of my own actions. The harm I have done to others by judging them in the guise of just trying to help, improve or regulate is a fault I hope to amend in my behavior with others each day. Caution in speech for me is a skill developed by practice and does not come naturally. My friend quotes, "Will what I am about to say improve upon silence?"

That said, speaking out has also been a valued asset. It fuels the do-gooder in me that worked with abused children and today helps me sponsor damaged men. It fuels the battles I pick such as call that phone solicitor who preys on the elderly with tricky little mailings or calls of "we protect your credit cards". I confronted a driver yesterday who stopped at the same store I did, after weaving in and out of traffic nearly hitting and needlessly scaring several others on the road. Probably should not have picked that battle - the crash after the adrenalin rush hits too hard.

Sometimes I want to speak out and cannot, when reading the news. Here in Arizona the worst job is being a CPS CaseWorker. They face budget cuts, fewer coworkers, more cases, less time to make good follow up and therefore at least some of the blame for yet another child killed by atrocity perpetrated by some adult. Can you see boiled water, cigarettes, feces, clubs and starvation used as parenting tools? I once saw with my own eyes a baby withcigarette burn on the bottom of its feet, being taken from a mother screaming, "You can't take my baby. I love herrrr!!!"

These cases are not rare nor unusual. They occur embarrassingly more here than in most any other developed nation. This in the America where so called patriots scream for more cuts to govt spending in child programs, education and even food for kids. Where are the so-called pro-lifers for those babies? I wish I could stop reading about those children but it just should not hurt to be a child. I no longer can do tough political conversations any more. I cannot speak for those children. I cannot argue my point. The price in my health is too high. Cancer drugs kill more than just targeted tumors. I have hyper tension. I do not breathe as well. I am too tired too much. And my tears roll too readily. Really? I just can't write anymore right now.