On the spot

When we go over the scan results, in the exam room are usually 5 people: the lead Doc, his intern/student, the Chief nurse on the project, my support person and me. This time it was my sister, the Lead Doc, the nurse and a doc skilled at showing the film of the scans. Right before my eyes were the before and after scans from July and from this week. I could see the shrinkage and even disappearance of some of the smaller nodules in my lungs. I could also see the before unnoticed nodule grown to 1.18 inch. And there near my tail bone was the lesion grown from scratch since July, now a hairy bright spot shaped like a curled up caterpillar.

So, after 8 months on the combination of Tarceva and Avastin, I have some shrinkage, a new and large lesion on a lung, and my cancer spread from kidney to lungs and now into my bones. The side effects boil down to debilitating fatigue most of every day. The lead doc looked me directly in the eyes and right there on the spot said, "This combination is not working." My eyes teared. Fear of letting go of the familiar and of trying something new. "What if the next combo doesn't work at all."

After such a pow wow, I have 8 or 10 people who I must tell about what happened. I am wiped out physically, mentally and emotionally by that time and thinking mostly of myself: getting to the hotel and crashing. Instead I must get my bags and catch the airport shuttle to catch my flight home to PHX. Six hours later I arrive home with Jacki and a few into-me-you-see moments with each other. Then I crash, deep sleep, awake and only then begin to inform others who need to know what happened. Several text messages await. Even more voice messages. How could I possibly forgotten to call my daughter, and my Mom. This trip my sister went with me and I left Jacki in the dark for a tortuous amount of time. Ohhhhhh, that hurts my heart.

Now it has been two days since getting home. The new information is just beginning to sink in. I have slept about 20 hours since the plane landed. I have talked to most of the 8 or ten and the words have become more succinct at summing up the new picture. Sharing the picture with anyone however, requires I dig inside to find what I really feel. If I can do that then we connect as two human beings sharing from the inside out. Often it takes several conversations. Cups of love seem to fill with tears of compassion. That is why they ask and why I want to answer. Thanks for being along for the ride.
Bill