Long Slow Drawn Out?

2 yrs ago I learned I have cancer and saw the CT scan pic of a baseball sized tumor on my right kidney and one radiologist saw, "too many nodules to count" in my lungs. Turns out the nodules are kidney cancer cells spread into my lungs. I went Mayo Clinic, surprised for some reason that I got to go there. After much poking, prodding, scanning, etc, they gave me a very invasive biopsy, sticking fingers and equipment between my ribs. It still hurts where they took chunks out of my lung.

Bottom line, they made a diagnosis, told me I had 18mos to 2yrs, and referred me for a 2nd opinion. Turns out they were a little off on diagnosis: they urethelial but it turns out to be kidney. Either way, the cells are papillary cells which make my cancer unusual and as of 2yrs ago, incurable. mPRCC. Metastasized Papillary Renal Cell Carcinoma. Metastasized means spread into other areas of the body. A papillary cell has kinda like fingers, which grab into surrounding healthy tissue. Renal means kidney. Carcinoma is basically a lump of cancer cells.

Now I don't know about you, but until it hit me, I thought cancer was cancer. Now I know there are a couple hundred kinds of cancers. Some can be removed. Some respond well to chemo or radiation, and we have all heard of cancer just disappearing. I would never have guessed there are several types of Kidney cancer cells and several of lung and breast and bone and blood. I would never have guessed I would get a slow growing type of kidney cancer that at best can be slowed but not stopped with current drugs. Today when I see or hear about "find a cure for cancer" or especially when I hear, "give us money to find a cure for cancer" I wonder who it is that thinks they know what that means. I do have a cynical side.

So, here I am. One year passed, 18mos passed, and now 2 years. My cancer has grown slightly although the drug combo trial I am on showed tiny shrinkage 3 months ago. There may be tiny cancer spots on a couple of my bones. They may want to put me on an additional chemo drug for that. However, I most certainly am not dead. Not in a box. I have not passed (please do not ever use that term about me). I am still with us, involved, useful and grateful to still be kicking.

Only recently has it sunk into my head that this process could go on for years. One, two, five, ten? Current drugs still cannot cure it nor even stop it, but they sure seem to keep things slow growing. Maybe a cure will be developed within those possible years. I hope so. In the mean time, what is my life about? If I have only 6 or 7 hours per day, half a.m. and half pm, then what can I do with those hours. The hours are a little bit predictable and a little bit regular. Sometimes I am just out of it for a whole day or two.

Some who read this tend to think I need to be told that I need to eat right, or meditate more, or pray more, or think positive. Some have indirectly or directly implied that if I do things right then I can cure this cancer. Or, if I had lived right I would not even have cancer. What do they really mean by those words and implications? That it could never happen to you and if it did you could fix it? Come on, give all a break when we suffer a human malady. "I am here by God's grace and mercy, I ain't with no controversy."

Somehow that leads me back around to what is my life about? What can I do? Each hour of each day I can do the best I can. I can ask for help, from up on high or even at a homeless shelter. I can give whatever I can. I can seek patience, tolerance, wonder and awe at how joyous so much of my surroundings are. I can become more honest and gently direct in my communications. Do we really need elephants in the living room that no one talks about?

What can I do? I could just be stuck in fear and sad and anger. Or,I can continue being part of the medical community PRACTICING medicine. I can seek all the qualities and spiritual principles that add up to gratitude and love. I can enjoy efforts at being a kind, gentle and loving man living a wondrous life with wondrous relationships. I can relish the moments of humility being Bill Banana, one of the bunch.
Bill