Getting ready to go . . . Facebook in the way

I have a sponsee writing on diversion, hocus pocus change the focus. It is one method of steering others and myself away from what is too close, too vulnerable, too human. It is a way to keep away even those who I would prefer to draw in close. Sure, sometimes diversion skills are an asset for protecting and filtering who gets near. But when, as for me today, it functions to avoid or deny and hide what is going on inside myself, then it is a liability.

Facebook has grabbed my all too willing focus. Started my page a couple days ago, gave it an hour yesterday, and I don't know nor want to admit how long today. Found a couple old friends I miss and another I do not. One ex-wife. Curiosity, and I wish her well. That one was tough on us both, but great practice for the Wonder I have the past few years with Jacki. Maybe facebook is a way to communicate with acquaintances, but do I want to invest my box of energy each day in chatter on my "wall"? So far the Facebook thing is on shaky ground for me. The account is closeable but it sucks me in. And it functioned today to divert me away from slow rolling wave of turmoil about our trip to NIH in a few days.

Google Earth can show me what the facility looks like from a couple different views. I can see our nearby hotel and the coffee bar across the street. I found a horizontal view of "The Wall". And I can scope out the Metro public transit for getting around DC. The logistics of our travel are daunting - it is not my strong point. but I can do it. It is all new and I have questions unanswerable: How does getting around in DC fit with being chemo mushy each afternoon? I really want to visit our Capitol, and I REALLY want to go to the Wall. All of this will work out fine. Trying to nail it all from Arizona, serves mostly as another diversion away from the reason we are going.

I am not officially in the drug trial yet. I thought I was in already but hmmmm, I was wrong. The researchers want to biopsy my kidney tumor, just the stick a needle into my kidney method. No major invasive thing like last year cutting out some lung tissue. For a year and a half I have believed I have terminal mPRCC, papillary renal cell carcinoma metastasized into my lungs. Now, for the research of a new drug, they must directly biopsy my kidney tumor to make scientifically certain my version of kidney cancer is papillary. Remember, papillary is what makes it a bit rare and unstoppable.

This "gotta make sure biopsy' has me more than a little anxious. Scared, angry, nervous, consumed. What if they diagnosed wrong 18 months ago? What if it is papillary but I still don't get in the drug trial? What if, what if, what if, coulda woulda shouda. Where is my trust God, clean house and do the next right thing? I want to know right now! I hate being in the dark.

I can say all the right things and get all intellectual about it, but the truth is that I have been hiding on Facebook. I don't want to feel this stuff. A good addict would go get an eight-ball or two, but nooooooooo. I am a Recovering addict sitting here trying to get at the truth which I am so good at stuffing. I want the peace and serenity that comes from facing it, leaning into it and knowing that my God is as close as the breath at my cheek. Crying is still okay - can you see the drop?
Bill