How do I pray ?

I rejected organized religion for me many years ago. I was so self centered by age 12 that the scales of my decision were tipped when the entire congregation voted to start Sunday services and hour earlier. They wanted to and I did not. A shallow tipping but that was the last straw, and only twice in the ensuing 47 years have I tried "going to church" on a regular basis.

Once for a woman. It was 1994 at a near evangelical church and I went for a woman. I liked the rock 'n roll approach to the music and the words passed in a slide show above the band. My favorite was, "My God is an awesome God", and I have hummed more than a few bars many times since. Once I arrived late to find HER already there and a full house save just one seat on the front row. My seat was just a few feet from the piano positioned perpendicular to my row. The pianist was excellent and enthusiastically bobbing and bouncing to the beat as she pounded the keys. She was very hot and I was aroused. Only later did I learn she was the pastors wife. I never went back.

The second go at attending was 4 weeks in 2000 with wife number 4. The preacher's topic in week one was the blessings and challenges of sex in marriage. He spent 3 weeks expounding on that topic and did a great job of convincing me that he was a REAL person talking about real life stuff. The 4th week however, the sermon with one finger repeatedly jabbing upward as he hammered on , "There is only one way to salvation." I have just never, even as a little boy of around 7, ever believed that my Awesome God could be so exclusionary. In my young boys's eyes I was appalled that all the Indians (Native Americans) were going to hell. As I have grown older I gather that Indians (of India) are excluded too, even Ghandi.

Perhaps some of you are right, thinking I have it all wrong and twisted and my own salvation (redemption?) is iffy. Maybe you are correct in how you believe, but let's keep the door open; confident belief in ones own values becomes twisted self righteous when pressed upon others.

I do believe there is a power far greater than any of us earthlings, the power that for example had my back through many miraculous survivals. I do not claim to know the specific description or name and I feel absolutely no interest in trying to define that entity. There are many words I use to speak of that power: God; Great Mystery; My Creator; Spirit; Universal Entity; there's a few examples. None are enough to express my belief in a great power beyond my ken. How about, "The God of my misunderstanding." My Protector, Jesus, Mohammed, Bhudda, Ghandi and Mother Theresa are all best friends and model really good ways to walk. "For what is required of us but to do justice, love kindness and walk humbly with your God." Straight out of the Torah, the Bible and the Bhudda and Ghandi spoke variations of that oh too simple guideline.

So, how do I pray? As a newly clean (reborn?) adult I first prayed accidentally as I stormed feet stomping away from a job site, "Let go let God, Let go let God, let go let God." Over time that evolved to "I ask only for knowledge of your will and the power to carry that out." "Thank you" always fits in with my praying. Today my communication with my Creator may at time be very informal as in ,"Hey Dude!" Father Mother God is a favorite beginning sometimes. When I need to calm, relax, or go to sleep I might string together a few learned somewhat formal prayers, almost like a mantra near hypnotic. One favorite is:

God, I am now willing to put my life into your care. Align my will with yours. Help me to recognize and carry out your will. Open my heart that I may be a free and open channel for your love. Take away my fears and doubts so that I may better demonstrate your presence in my life. May your will, not mine, be done.

Sometimes my prayer is short, maybe even just a mindful breath, appreciating that simple miracle designed by an incredibly skilled engineer using advanced hydraulics, pneumatics, electonics, all in a spellbindingly artful manner. And of course, the shortest of all spoken prayers, HELP!

Now I lay me down to sleep . . .
Bill