Chin up?

Sometimes it just won't lift up. Sometimes this cancer stuff grabs me by the cajones and drags me through all the emotions and thoughts that I do not want to feel nor acknowledge. I do not know if cancer is winning some kind of battle here or if the solution is taking so much away that I question the balance of value. The medication I take to find a solution for my peculiar type of cancer cell is removing me. Me. My self perception, my life activities, my physical abilities to do things as simple as walk.

My ability to interact with my loved ones and others so close to me is now so passive. I sit and hope someone will feel comfortable enough to come over and hug what to me feels like bones with a belly. Some who have not seen me is a while show a flicker of shock or maybe a flicker of sadness. Lately my stamina is good for maybe an hour or two before I have to - HAVE TO - get horizontal and just chill. Sometimes I just do not want to be seen like this.

Before I was diagnosed, back when I knew nothing of this thing growing inside, I was riding my bike avidly and in the best physical shape in a dozen years, maybe more. Jacki and I were social, I mean we had more people in our home for cookouts or whatever than our small place can hold. Often I was the lead cook although I needed help to flip omelets. My recovery was in full swing, not over doing it, but actively involved in service and sponsoring. My relationship with my wife was of the quality, fullness, love and closeness lifelong sought.

Loss. Grief. I miss my life as it was. Has cancer taken this away or is it the treatment? The tumors have grown slowly for near two years since detected. Were they not growing slowly before discovered? Have they grown more slowly with the thief we call treatment? Where would my life be if I were still in the dark about my cancer? What would my life be like if I had said no to the treatments? If I stopped treatment what pieces would I get back in quality of life?

Jacki reminds me that the small windows of activity are smaller for a few days after each infusion of the additional drug and the consequent blood pressure drugs. Even if she is not just making stuff up in trying to make me feel better, the damn windows are too small right now!!! I want some respite from the feeling of helplessness that has come the last few days. The "medicine" is ruling my life. Today it is even chairing the meeting of the characters in my head.

Some days or parts of days, my chin is not up. Faking it too often is stuffing that which gets pissed off when left in the dark. Some days are just like this. Fulling feeling the price I and my loved ones pay for treating what is horrible enough on its own. I am not backing out of the drug trial. I am not giving the cancer a straight shot to killing me. I can deal with the symptoms with the help of my God and those who love me and those who at best can only react with a flicker when they see me after a period of time. Even they help with their human emotion and bits of prayer.

At this moment I can find gratitude. but I do not want to write about that right now.

Next week Jacki and I go back to Bethesda and the National Cancer institute for a few days of tests, scans and measurements. The purpose of that trip is looking for the impact so far of two very powerful drugs on my metPRCC and then another infusion. Thanks for going along for the ride.

This one gets published raw, without review.
Bill

Gentler

Two questions I have learned to ask are, "How long have you been hard on yourself?" and following the answer, "How is that working?" Must I forever feel not enough and lacking what it takes to be okay? My yardstick used to be measurements of money, house, pool, car, horses and prestige. I could drive a beautiful car, see someone drive a better car and feel less than. I required perfecting of myself - perfection, number 1, best in class, etc. The truth is, I still would not recognize perfection if it walked right in front of me. By requiring perfection I never measure up, I am never enough. I must arrogantly disagree with my God who created as he saw fit. When I complain about me, I am complaining about God's handiwork; I am saying I know better than God.

So, most of my life I have been far too hard on myself and some rather bizarre behaviors resulted from feeling not enough. Today I can be gentler with myself and use a different yardstick, one using spiritual assets instead of things.

I responded to a friend today, and found what I was being gentle with myself while writing. Absent is my too often used negative self talk. I spoke not hard on myself but rather speaking good of myself. It is not bragging nor conceited but rather toward where God has pulled me.

Sometimes today I can be gentle with myself. Still what I wrote back to my friend Lee was difficult to write and required tears. Here it is:

Thank you Lee, for the kind words and encouragement. You had an impact on me as well! As you put it, “No bullshit!!” (;-)

The woman thing: my experience over the years has been to change enough on the insides (in my case by doing the full NA deal) to become the kind of guy, the woman I was lookin’ for, was lookin’ for.

Tithing: for me is “I can’t keep what I have unless I give it away.” I have given much money away. But it not just money. A book that many find helpful is the Bible. In that book it says over 1300 times to help those less fortunate. One thousand, three hundred times. There are many ways to give as you know, and my hunch is you are way too conservative in weighing how much you do give and how much you could give. Do I really have anything better to do than give?

Popular? I do know that I am part of a huge community many of whom will not leave me alone. Now that is a Cadillac problem to have and I am blessed in many ways, including my health. If life was fair, I would literally have died near 17 years ago. Instead I have been given many wonderful years of fullness in life. Joy and happiness, sadness and grief, success and failure – all required to get me where I am today. I have the closeness I always wanted in my marriage with Jacki. My daughter is a woman I admire, and she comes to me first with some of life’s curveballs. With my family, both blood and recovery, I am able to receive what they give and I am able to give without measuring or keeping score.

Where I am today, is a man who knows it is better to be kind than to be right. I still fall far short of being the man I wanted to be, but I am and always have been a man who God made and loves. What more could I ask?
Bill

Just an Update

I have not felt creative enough to write how I like to write this thing, so here is a basic update.

Last week I went to Maryland again for my 3rd infusion of the additional drug, Avastin. Kate went with and spoiled me with loving, attentive care. Never before have she and I had so much time together - we were apart maybe a total of 4 or 5 hours in 6 days. Still we get along and I feel closer and evermore admiration for this 26 year old woman who is my daughter.

On Thursday I got the infusion - liquid with Avastin in it, dripping into my arm through a needle. It took a half hour. Like the first infusion a month ago, I felt energized after and we did the tourist thing for several hours. Lincoln, Washington, Viet Nam, White House and Capitol. We stood at Lincoln Memorial on the same steps where Martin Luther King gave his "I Have a Dream" speech. Someone else arrogantly speechified on those same steps just a few days before, but even that could not spoil the reverence exuding from the memorial and those steps.

The next infusion is the 16th at my oncologist's here in Arizona. And then, two weeks later I go to Maryland for end of first course scans to measure impact of the two drugs combined. I will tell you this, meeting with 2 or three standing doctors in a small exam room with me sitting down - I felt like a specimen. Next time, we are meeting around a table, eye to eye. I am human and require that much dignity - the specimen bit just doesn't cut it.

Please pray for me, I am more tired, less stamina and . . . oh yeah, walking far across the Capitol mall in DC with the side effect of mild diarrhea is a dangerous challenge. TMI?
Bill